Note from the Edge

I had a sense/vision of myself in the future. I was dead and it was a post death ‘life review’. I was looking back on my life from a place of complete safety and joy. As I’ve heard them talk about in the near death experience reports.

I was watching with love and an affectionate smile at various scenes through my life where she terrorised herself over and over. I watched the agony of her believing all the fears generated in the mind, not realising she was safe.

Todays felt experience from 3.30am, is a careering around like an out of control car and swerving into hell when I listen to my mind. Agony of anxiety, tightening, clenching….

Then returning to heaven when I return to the present and parking up for a bit. There I breathe and relax. It’s so safe here. It’s an incredible seesaw effect. They are so close by to each other too. Well it seems like that because in an instant I can be in one or the other. I choose.

The hell feels properly real. The mind whips up catastrophic scenarios in the future of loss, failure, danger, rejection, betrayal, poverty, guilt, disappointment, judgement, conflict….and the body responds as if it is all real and happening right now. But it’s not. None of it is.

Instead I’m sitting here safe and comfortable sitting on the seat at the table.

I get to sit here and face my fears. Some of them for the first time properly. One by one they arrive to be seen, noticed, allowed. Believed at first then I lean back a bit inside and allow the hurricane to pass.

I’ve got some guidance and there are loving arms to fall back into when I choose to surrender.

This feeling of complete peace is just a kiss away from all that mind generated turmoil. In fact no distance at all, it’s here waiting for me to return when I’ve had enough agony.

It is productive pain. Helps to alter the trajectory and I return back from hell with the wisdom gained from the journey. I’m more use to others digging themselves out and myself when I get temporarily lost again. That’s always sitting there as an option.

Honing the tools of freedom, which was here all along. It’s so obvious, and nearly the last place to look, for me anyway. I was so intent on journeying, forward movement, improving, striving seeking…and that was necessary, for me to learn collapse into the arms of myself. There was devotion to what is true too, that has helped a lot and still does.

I am listening and reading nearly only enlightening, loving, penetrative and peaceful material through these days and nights of thrashing around. Occasional foray into the latest news…and noticing the vibrational difference.

The juxtaposition of these two worlds. I’ve written much about irritated reactiveness to the noises above. Today they carry on upstairs and I hear them and feel no response. Maybe a little compassion towards the people. Mostly it’s just like the noise of the passing traffic outside. Impersonal happenings.

I leave the safe space I’ve found here on my chair. I shower and notice the mind wanting to take me away. I stay instead with the sensations. Beautiful water all over the skin making it shiny. The water sounds and feeling of the conditioner in my hair. The bubbles spiralling down the drain. I say ‘hi’ to each part of the body as I wash and thank it. It’s safe here.

I always wanted to feel safe. And here it is, in the present moment.

I see that I was seeking peace by anticipating dangers, and in the process terrorising my feelings and physiology with stress.

The belief that that if circumstances were just right, I’d allow myself to feel a bit more relaxed. Like some sort of aversive tactic. A bargain made with myself. Fear being the price of a little relaxing. Hmmm. Interesting. Thanks to that part that did such a good job of anticipating danger. Some old conditioning of how to proceed safely through life.

I stay with the senses as I dry the hair and feel the warmth of the powerful moving air through my hair. Being present for it all. No next better moment to get to. Just here is fine. I make up my game avatar face here to look it’s best.

The mind tugs me off this way and that. I come back. I go outside and feel the cool 5 degree air on my face, notice the sun glinting on the dew through the grass. Dog does her business, has a little run and sniff around and we are all good.

The mind tugs me around a bit again on my walk. I let it settle lightly here and there, on this or that person or situation, just for a little moment, as some interesting new insights are arising. Then back to the senses. I feel great here. Alive and well. A nice rest from pain and battling.

I could get quite used to this, and learn to stabilise in it fully. That’s what all this has been for, and a much better human to be around like this. To be fully trustworthy has been a long held goal. Reactivity replaced by equanimity, and so all that reactiveness has been showing up. It’s a beautifully choreographed process individually designed for us to see what we cling to mistakenly.

Earlier the iChing said “letting go is sometimes the only way to receive”.

The penchant for drama comes out and biblical phrases come up like ‘a battle for my soul’ and ‘trial by fire, dark night of the soul. Don’t think that’s in the bible though. (just looked it up, 16th century in a poem by St. John of the Cross). It does feel pretty dramatic at times all this.

It’s interesting looking back on the agony from this perspective. It seems like a dream though I felt every painful second of the terror. might be the only real choice I ever really have. Finding that willingness to turn away from the fearful inner dialogue is my idea of prayer and devotion.

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