Exploring Fear

All future focussed, the fear. In the present, I don’t feel it. That’s why I get that ‘beside myself’ sense when in fear. I’m not fully being here.

Still feeling the anxiety this morning in my throat though, and I happened to read this in my emails today which I agree with partly. From Eric Tornberg

‘Health-wise, believing yourself to be anxious or depressed can be self-fulfilling. Harping on my anxiety may exacerbate my anxiety, because then I get anxious about being anxious. I may start subconsciously looking for events to confirm my narrative that I have anxiety.’

I can see how that feeling in the body of feeling unsafe/anxious would cause the brain to start looking for reasons it is there or potential threats in the environment. The future again. And it’s much easier for my brain to turn to tangible reasons for being worried so it goes to the business for the source, rather than the bigger less solvable existential threats. Which are also about the future too.

The old fear of death is in here and surges up when the right stimulus is applied. How scared I was of covid when it first arrived is an example of this I think.

I can see the usefulness of this experience though. I’m seeing clearly where trauma and old conditioned beliefs still hold on inside me. I read over yesterdays post and also see that the inner critic is still strong inside. I think it’s time to have a chat with it, and hear what it is trying to achieve. I have a sense that it wants to get me to correct something in myself. Which it’s possible to do without the self condemnation judgy element.

If I was told I had 3 years to live how much time would I spend on being worried like this? Not a lot, I imagine as it would all be put into perspective. I would turn towards savouring the good the true and the beautiful…..and I accept that this is a useful experience.

I’ve been reading and listening to some material which has evoked an existential level of fear. Widespread harm coming to light and potentially societal disruption….What if those whom the public trusted don’t have their best interests at heart, and the public are about to have or we are amid a grand reveal of this. The material is now being allowed on Twitter and YouTube and it was previously banned. Nothing was aloud which questioned the vaccines before. Now that evidence is starting to arrive of some side effects and possibly worse, they can’t censor it any more. Too many studies coming out.

I have been watching this guy who is a nurse educator, John Campbell change his position as this evidence arrives, from telling everyone they must get vaccinated to now voicing regret he got it and laying out the evidence that it is causing harm and even partly responsible for the huge rise excess deaths we are seeing around Europe and America. 30% higher in the first week of January in England and Wales this year than in 2019. Here’s his latest video on YouTube giving the numbers from the U.K. Institute of Actuaries. I have also been watching Russell Brand’s YouTube reports.

I’m aware of those with the more extreme views who have been saying this all along, and I didn’t buy into that. I suppose I mostly stayed a little clear of those with very certain views, since we didn’t have much information, how could anyone be so certain unless it wasn’t backed up with one of their own personal beliefs.

I had to disassociate from one particular close friend who was constantly saying it was all planned. They could be right, but I think we the public and the governments just panicked. The predatory pharmaceutical industry moved in, and we trusted them as we were so desperate for relief from the terror many of us felt about covid killing us. What a lot of fear was poured on our heads.

I have been watching those with more circumspect views more closely. Especially the ones who have done 180 degree turnaround now that more information is coming in.

I have been feeling a lot of fear about this. I seem to be susceptible to this, and I fell for the whole y2k nonsense, and fled with my 5 year old to South Africa to a self sustaining community as I thought the world was about to collapse. Okay I also had an angry ex stalking me and threatening to kill us too which propelled that decision and an idealism about living the life I’d always dreamed of. A self supporting community of friends in the countryside.

I could just relax and watch the show as it unfolds. As it has always unfolded, a perpetually changing and shifting scene. That’s what I normally do, just watch the outside world….and carry on creating my own world of appreciation and beauty and gratitude.

The scared inner child. I just gave her a hug and I feel better instantly. One hand under the armpit the other arm folded over and some movement with the hug. Bingo! Its time for some inner child work and a chat with the inner critic.

Had a wonderfully deep session with my lovely Sunday morning therapy client, deep into exploring many things including shame.

Got a construction client today. And then a walk in the park.

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