I had another night of listening to the centuries old Dzogchen texts read out by Samaneri Jayasara. I’ve got her YouTube channel on just now, this one isn’t so old, it’s great though, a female wise person Ayo Khandro. I had it on a little touch louder all night so I could really hear it, and I woke many times and started listening to the text and falling back asleep again. Such wisdom. It was in no way disturbing to wake up so much, as I was in a perpetual deeply relaxed state. Perhaps listening like this allows me to access the wisdom with less resistance than I might otherwise have.
I’m so ‘on it’ these days. Now I really know where and how to look and recognise, and have significantly less fear. That is helped by having the texts of these teachers around me so much. And a couple of enlightened people I watch and interact with online too. Knowing that others have travelled this most strange territory before me helps massively for confidence. Jumping off a cliff into ‘nothingness’ took a while, not exactly an attractive prospect. But I’m doing it anyway on faith or trust or curiosity or something and then I find on the other side there’s all this peace and steadiness and well-being and knowing what to say, and happy with very little.
I have been feeling very peaceful inside for days. Not happy exactly, but steady and calm mostly. That’s despite the intense pain and struggles of those around me who are close. My son’s intensive battles with his inner existential angst and much communication about that, he is so distressed. His job he isn’t enjoying, his relationship with himself, his life and direction.
There was also some distressing news about a friend’s son and his worsening distress, he has been pretty depressed for some years and has recently dropped out of University with only 3 months to go. He is high risk, with little support around him. Lives in an unheated flat with a depressed father who won’t talk to him.
Another friend called me for the first time since her husband killed himself by hanging a couple of weeks ago, a lot of tears and deep upset of course….such trauma. They were together for nearly 40 years. He had troubles for a long time.
This is minor one in comparison, after a perfect sunny afternoon in the countryside with my friend M, he did his usual act on the way back, the angry berating of this, that and the next thing rant. I used to get annoyed that he was ‘spoiling my day’. Now I’ve got this peaceful place inside, I just go to that space inside. Though by the end I’m relieved to drop him off. And then don’t see him for a good while usually. It’s as if he spraying a smelly ‘stay away’ chemical at me. After a day of so much to appreciate and feel grateful for. That’s what I’m bathing in on the way home.
And there’s been the usual business hassles and decisions and dealing with clients and employees. And my therapy clients which I seem to be dealing with effortlessly.
I think the pressure and fear heaped on people over the last 2 years and the insane mitigation efforts around covid is sending people understandably into crisis. It is inevitable. People were already having a hard time, stressed out with our modern lifestyles. Now many are in full crisis. It’s horrible to see. What. A lot people are having to endure. And now this war, and the price of everything going up too.
I’m feeling all of this pain and yet not so much falling off my centred place at the same time. That’s interesting to observe. Though I have in places got too emotional during conversations (gone into rescue mode) and notice that what I say then isn’t so wise. That is also interesting to observe. So my calmness stays as does my capacity to feel fully. In fact it’s more intense as I’m not numbing myself, just being there fully with it, with their pain and with mine. And it has been very painful.
This was a little stream in the countryside yesterday. I like how there’s light both ends of the tunnel.