Childlike

I’m like a child with a delicate flower today. Mindful that precious peace has been restored for now and aware of how easily destroyed it is in an instant of indulging in fearful imaginings. My only refuge is to stay present. I keep bringing myself back. I use the senses and the breathing from low in the body. A little touch of encouragement.

I gave myself a full hug in bed last night, was comforting. Was far gone into stress and fear.

I was in a flow state with the therapy client this morning. Freshly baked well-being present and ready and we dove deep into hurt inner child territory. Kept mindful that I’m not feeling his pain and to calibrate sensitively. My imagination is back I notice.

Then I’m with my friend R for a couple of hours in the park. I’m in full flow, without the bridle of fear. Mindful I am feeling expressive and can be loud….and we walk and laugh as usual and deep conversations. I really notice nature very intensely for the first time in a while the beauty can penetrate as my heart is open. We lay in ‘my’ leafy hole looking up at the trees and it was so beautiful.

Then I’m in a potential client’s garden with them talking about their project which is entirely not our kind of project. I don’t really like them much, disagreeable types and unhappy marriage. I look out for that, people can be tricky. It is a week’s work, better than nothing. I already start pricing it.

Then upstairs come into the room above me and the noise above my head makes it hard to focus. Change of room. On the sofa, a rest. No appetite. Have a biscuit at lunchtime with tea, did not work at all. I don’t know what the body wants to eat, actually nothing. Some seaweed, yes, that works a bit. Can’t eat the pasta I optimistically cooked. Bit dizzy. Talking to myself out loud. Bit edgy. On;y 3.5 hours sleep last night. It was 38% deep sleep though. The average for people is 8-16%. So they give it an 84 ‘good’ score. I’m waffling here. I see a therapy client in 20 mins.

Warm friendly call from an old business colleague who has some unexpectedly bad news about his financial demise due to a £350k bad investment and so bankrupt.

Interesting his call comes at this time just as I’m facing that as a fear and I haven’t spoken to him for over 3 years. He reminds me of my dream of a country cottage. My friend R did too actually, that’s her dream for me….just a nice to have for me. Not necessary. Then an estate agent sends a list of large country houses to me. Hmmm.

Got 3 new garden clients to see over the next few days so I’m doing what I can.