Fear, healthy tools and meringue

Making the best of a not a very happy period just now. The fear tempting thoughts are still coming at me, first thing in the morning and pretty much ongoing. Worries.

This happens when fear as an emotion is very present. That’s what triggers the mind into there’s a problem what is it so we can solve it mode. The fear feeling is telling the system that there’s a problem. And it just looks around at nearly everything with those coloured glasses on looking for threats.

The dentist cancelled the root treatment yesterday, some emergency, so still have an unhappy thronging tooth. There in the background, not such a big deal. I’m pretty sure that the combination of the 2 antibiotics melting my gut biome, money fears….and the fact I have no confirmation on the next project has a lot to do with how I’m feeling. That’s because I still haven’t sent the price yet. I’m scared to. Going to look over it one last time.

Opening the toolkit and taking out….

Appreciation and savouring

Being kind – to the dog, feeding the birds and to people I meet

Saying the Gayatri mantra here and there

Hand on heart, I love you, I’m here for you, I’m your friend, you’re safe

Focussing on breathing from low down

Getting daily outdoor exercise

Resting and bed early

Bit of gardening

Progressing essential work matters

Listened to Jon Kabat-Zinn in bed last night talking about resting in awareness. My vibration too low right now to fully feel it, but reckon it’s all good nutrition anyway. And if I can’t ignore the thoughts I can replace them by giving attention to positive material like this. It’s a great fall back strategy when being in touch with Presence is lessened.

Though nothing in my toolbox is really taking me into resting fully in a non suffering place. I do it anyway. It’s a statement of intent. I’m too busy considering that some unimportant things are important to my survival. Believing untruths in other words. No amount of healing tools can sort that.

A place of peace I know is in here, in all of us, and is just hard to access at times. Well, when fear is present.

Saw a therapy client yesterday morning on Zoom. We made some breakthroughs, and one pretty vital one one. Identifying a very important need that he could give more time and attention to…and making a bit of a plan to take action on it. I have struggled with this client, who has very long term clinical depression. There’s been so many blocks and ‘no’s’ along our journey. So a breakthrough is a big deal. I’d also done a little research on Jewish religious scripture on including the self with love and was able to have a decent adult conversation about this topic again which keeps getting buried by him. This time something progressed…I had some quotes ready from a highly respected Torah elder/author/commentator. That was good.

Then to the allotment. Sat around having tea, replanting onions and elephant garlic the squirrels had dug up….bit of weeding. A, my new trans acquaintance came up to say hello and we made a plan to strengthen the summerhouse roof and had some chit chat. Note to self-keep it simple and don’t get too deep or involved.

Walked back and l saw another counselling client. Elderly bereaved woman. Limited in how I can be of help I suspect. Her bereavement is so recent, less than 6 months her beloved lifelong husband died suddenly. The official bereavement counselling organisation here don’t see people until a year after as they know much sorrow is to be processed. She tells me of her weeping and we talk of the importance of allowing ourselves to feel. There’s some small actions discussed though going into solution mode is not appropriate. I try to just be a bit of good company, ask her about her life like the pets she has had and she tells me about them at length in detail. Maybe talking of the known right now is good, with so much unknown ahead for her.

Then I rest a little and decide to go to the local pub for dinner. Had an enormous ‘super food salad’, some Merlot and then the most delicious meringue. It was nice to be out in public and I stayed over an hour, bit of chit chat with the public and staff, watching all the regulars hug the bar.

A small business owner with a few employees like me lives on the precipice of ruin constantly.

It’s been a great training and is also pretty wearing. There’s little help or support from others, nobody to confide in, make suggestions, bounce things off, reassure when needed….it’s a very lonely world. And yes it has its freedoms as a compensations. That all important freedom for one such as me who does not fit into the world of offices and organisation employment.

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