A Tightening

I have been tightening up and up and up, and it’s damn painful. A whole set of triggering factors ricocheting off each other in quick succession, and an increase in variables to navigate recently. And my own flaws and weaknesses in my face effecting outcomes.

I am struggling with business. With scarcity of money and paying the business bills. With the sheer amount of people coming to me for work they want done. These 2 surely don’t go together yet they are right now. I’m struggling to get jobs finished due to Brexit and covid related issues.

I’m making more mistakes. Last job I made a loss of probably £20k. Some of that outwith my control. Weather was against us, and the guys took a longer time to do it. Had to borrow to finish it, had to start another project to finance it too. It was really too big for us to handle. I don’t have the accounting or organisational skills perhaps.

Just yesterday I discovered I left out a £2k cost and had to add it yesterday and surprised the client who didn’t realise they had to pay as I didn’t include it. Had to rely on their goodwill and apologise profusely. I don’t mind apologising but it’s also not professional.

Im having to apologise to clients. A lot. There are so many of them and I can only help a fraction of them.

I’m apologising for everything, for even existing it feels like.

I’m reacting rather than acting more often. Out of anxiety.

Struggling with the employees too. One staying off for a week supposedly isolating who doesn’t need to isolate so I insisted he comes back on Monday. His partner was ‘at it’ as she wants him to look after their kid. That’s understandable but I have to try and get through this work and get money in. Increase in mistrust rather than lovely loving silky trust and good will.

I go up to visit the guys on Friday at 11.30 to find they have gone early. Wasted journey, no text from them to let me know. Bad weather, I get that and it’s okay. Then I see them later driving around doing a ‘homer’.

That triggered mistrust in me and questioning thoughts and a big story that dented me emotionally for hours in this stressed state. The lovely guys doing their very best in terrible weather, and I’m being suspicious and not trusting them.

My periods of silence and stillness have been squeezed out by too much to do. And I hear myself playing victim, squeezed out by what? By my actions. Nobody is doing anything to me. So fake it till you make it. Here’s my self rejection list!

I’m taking on too much.

I’m saying ‘no’ more to people, though because I’m not comfortable doing that it’s not coming out smoothly (sounds like I’m making excuses or not being honest, both true at times) and so not getting an understanding reception and sometimes downright hostile. More stress.

Bit of mourning. Ended a closest of close friendship a couple of weeks ago. Same guy, same issue. His temper outbursts, 0-10 with no warning and explosion of hostility towards me and I just do not want to expose myself to that. So missing his company, which was 80% fantastic and enjoyable. Missing the long walks we did in the park sharing absolutely everything.

I’ve got extra lockdown weight, nearly a stone. I’ve been critical of my appearance for that and feeling low. Critical for my inability to get it back down despite not wasting much at all and skipping meals even, fasting.

There’s a lot of ‘failure’ around me in me that is adding up to lower my mood.

What am I seeing here? Weaknesses and aspects I don’t like in myself. Bits of myself that are rejected and unloved by me. Facing the shadow. And even if I’m not feeling it, state my true state of self acceptance.

The desire/old habit to try and be a victim. They are bad I’m good crap. And I love myself

The weather has been terrible which is lowering my mood, I’m being self critical about allowing that. And I love and accept myself.

The addiction to the cortisol and adrenaline of stress and drama. And I love you and accept myself

Aggression towards myself and others – and I love and accept myself

Mistrust. And I love and accept myself

Rejection feeling that easily – I reached out to an old friend and he didn’t get back to me. I love and accept myself.

Fear. And I love you and accept myself

Feeling sorry for myself. And I love and accept myself

Perfectionism, not feeling good enough. And I love and accept myself.

Been irritated a lot recently by the noise above. Condemning and criticising myself for failing to refrain from irritation. Judging myself as weak. I love and accept myself anyway.

Not feeling lovable. And I still love and accept myself deep down

Reflecting negatively on events. And I love and accept myself

Discontentment/pessimism and I love and accept myself

Ignoring gratitude and complaining instead. And I love and accept myself

Enemising others and I love and accept myself and know that deep down I love everyone.

Self criticism and I still love and accept myself

Imposter syndrome. And I love and accept myself.

Being self judgemental about enjoying making money. and I love and accept myself.

Talking a good talk but not carrying through. Then getting imposter syndrome. And I love and accept myself.

Liking starting and not liking finishing things. And self criticism for that as I see the difficulties it causes in my life and business. And I love and accept myself.

I’m doing so much I don’t enjoy and this is coming to a head now.

What do I really get excited about in my life, what do I really really enjoy?

I love doing therapy

I love doing designing

Love the dog

Love cycling in the park

Love my plants

Love nature – e.g. night filming and keeping tadpoles and watching them develop

Love going for walks with a friend

Love deep conversations

Love making money. In business and in the crypto world and the community is a good match with me in many ways

All of the above is worth reminding myself of. Next post about what energises.