Hello again Sadness and Anxiety

How unpredictable life can be ! We never know what life will present us with, or where the next challenge and opportunity for growth will appear.

He preceded it with a warning of what was coming, that I may be alarmed. Then a long confessional text from my son admitting the extent of the addiction difficulties he has got into with the ADHD medication prescribed to him, amphetamines in general and with alcohol for the last 2 years.

How do I usefully respond was my first thought? No criticism of course, and without any personal alarm expressed, with calmness. I don’t want to voice too much distress or he may hold back on honesty in future. I had been warning him even back when he lived with me, about his over enthusiastic imbibing of alcohol. That he was going to spoil it for himself by going to far. Now he has. I’ve travelled close to that edge at times myself. Who ever heeds a warning though? Not me, that’s for sure. It has been clear to me for a while that abstinence is the way forward for him. Will he though? That is unknown how he will proceed from here. Will he make it his mission to learn how to love himself fully? Be his own best friend?

I’m sad I didn’t teach him to love himself better. I didn’t know how, as I only learned this myself maybe 10 years ago. I feel pretty sad that he has got into this extent of addiction. The pain that he could be so reckless with himself, and care so little for himself. I’m sad that there was near daily drinking around him in his teenage years. I went from not going near it till I met M and then regular drinking began, my son was about 12 I think. That would have normalised it for him.

Trying to put a positive spin on it inside here but not feeling it. Thinking of how Marc delighted in the opportunity for growth when I expressed my dire distress. The courage of desperation can be such a useful propellant for cutting through self delusion. And through to the challenge of fully extinguishing the deficiency story we all mostly carry towards complete self love and acceptance.

Today I’m feeling the distress of a mother whose child is in pain and difficulty. And I think the mature thing is to allow myself to experience the disturbance of that. And to know that the outcome is out of my hands. He will make choices and I will love him regardless goes without saying. I would like to see him using this and all experiences as opportunities for discovering his potential, for learning to live in a flow state, in more joy than pain. What almost every mother wants. What we all want for each other. What can we do when others choose more pain though? There’s much pain from trying to avoid pain. The only way is right into it and through. As I have had to learn and am still learning. The brutal honesty is the starting place. And then foot to the metal on learning to love ourselves completely.

1 Comment

  1. addiction is difficult enough when we are going through it, but i believe watching ones children is harder for sure. Especially, as u mentioned, knowing part of it may be related to our own drinking. Biggest hugs to you and you always remember to be kind, loving and understanding- to your son, but even more so to yourself:)

    Liked by 1 person

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