Such a treat to go through these last days nearly entirely anxiety free and to experience being this free from inner agitation. Basking in it now. Savouring times like this is an important part of the process of allowing ourselves to open to greater wellbeing and happiness.
It’s so good for the nervous system to see that it doesn’t have to be on high alert all the time. It can all just relax inside and nothing falls apart.
Big long wide open spaces of being still and not restless and not so much looking for something to grab onto.
And still enough inside to notice the grabby oriented part in here, which is still in the habit of looking for something. And just sitting with it. That part of me is still there. Have another cup of tea or something to eat when I don’t really need it.
Hardly any thoughts. And they are noticeable when they come. No racing worry thoughts.
Right now there is sitting here writing. Then there’s emptying the dishwasher. Taking out the bin. An email to a client. Texting the surveyor. Things just happen at the right time without having to think about it. Now back here. Things still get done when there’s calmness.
I think it’s valuable to notice that. It was one of the fears I had, that if I stopped worrying or relaxed too much, that life would grind to a halt. It doesn’t happen. Life seems to go much smoother in fact. Bills are being paid, clients still come and are services are delivered. With calmness instead of angst.
Yesterday my friend P came over to do some course work. We went to the pub/restaurant near my flat for breakfast. We met my neighbour upstairs with his granddaughter there and he told us about being off work, feeling depressed and anxious for 6 months. So open and honest. It created an open caring atmosphere.
I was a little surprised. He always seems upbeat and cheerful. And yet many more people are coming out with the honesty of feeling low and anxious.
Then we went to my allotment for a couple of hours. I did some gardening, we listened to a podcast. And I also had quite an undignified crashing fall off a raised bed onto a knee! No damage done, just a big bruise, some pain and a fine wake up experience. I felt pretty alive and awake after that.
Then back here and I went to the Michael Singer ‘Untethered Soul’ Book group. For half an hour a part is read out loud, then we are invited to share. Which I did. I shared my experience of having a particular part of one of his audiobooks playing on repeat while I actually underwent the full facing and being with extreme inner disturbance.
How I used the audiobook like a coach, as I was actually experiencing the pain. I was scared to face my inner disturbed annoyed reactiveness on my own.
And through that discovered that I could go to “I can handle this” from “I can’t handle this”. Then after that it has almost became enjoyable at times, a challenge.
I have had to keep at it though, those old neural pathways are strong and formed over a long time. I can go into irritation easily. Especially when tired or a little stressed.
So in case of relapse, I keep that part of the audiobook on standby to lean on if I ever start getting annoyed. However the neighbour noises continue every day, and I barely even notice them now.
Then in the book group there’s a Celtic music meditation which is lovely in the background. And I finished the day by setting up my new candle holder with candles, and enjoyed the soothing atmosphere.
Just had a therapy client. Such a deep discussion about attachment to preferences, developing equanimity and I sent her the Michael Singer Audiobook. If anyone reading this has the Audible app installed I have some free tokens and can send you the book if you give me your email.