Loss, Gratitude and New Beginnings

Happy New Year to you.

This morning in bed I thanked my miraculous body for its service to me. I went over each finger and touched each one saying thank you. Then my hands, palms, wrists, arms. I breathed slowly while doing this. I have been giving my body a hard time over these last 10 days of full on eating and drinking, and so I decided to include some conscious kindness in my day today.

It seems to be our tradition here in Scotland to eat and drink a lot over Xmas and New Year. While I have enjoyed every minute of it, I knew that it is temporary, and soon I will be back to a healthy regime. It will take me a couple months though probably to lose these extra 7 pounds. There is a price to indulgence and now comes conscious caring. Maybe the conscious caring will budge out the less healthy habits quite naturally this year.

The other price to food and drink indulgence is cognitive dissonance. All this emphasis on self compassion and kindness is not consistent with the burden I put on my body lately.

Last year I started a new tradition for myself. An alcohol free January. And this year I am doing the same. I feel a little anxious about it as I have been leaning on alcohol for a couple of months more heavily than normal to lessen the pain of the dog’s absence. Isn’t it strange that of all the losses I have had this last year, she is the one I felt most painfully.

So yes, 2016, the theme was change, and experiencing the pain of the absence of those I care about. And at the same time an awareness of the huge gratitude I feel to each. Each of these beings contributed massively to my life in their own way.

I miss the dog’s company, and all the celebrities and musicians I shared space with on this planet and who I grew up with who died, my lovely son who moved out of the house, Z one of my closest confidents moved back to her home country, dear close friends F, J, T and G all died. And I miss the friends I have consciously decided to let go of, even though I am happy with that decision. M, M, L, D, C, L, C…and other friends I am mid process of distancing from…all were a massive part of my life for a long long time. I feel the part we played for one another came to an end. I have never been good at endings even when it is the right thing to do, and last year I gained much more experience of it. It has been maturing.

I have also let go of cherished opinions and political viewpoints. Not something I write about here much, but this has also been part of my process. Letting go of beliefs and letting life carry me along.

It is now time to move forward in 2017. I am relatively alone now. I have few I can confide in and this I accept. It is a whole new adventure now. The old props I depended on are no longer present. My doubts and fears are to be processed inside and not with friends. Maybe that is why I write here. Running a fairly big business on my own is a lot of responsibility to bear. I feel compassion towards myself for this and I feel intense gratitude that I have the opportunity to be my own boss, that I can learn about taking responsibility.

I am also relatively at peace too. This new movement into peace and wellbeing also brought unexpected challenges. The fear of wellbeing and peace. I have been learning to soothe those fears too. This year I intend to allow myself to settle more deeply into this feeling of being relaxed.

And now a list of some of the qualities I have which will help me along this year and which I am also very grateful for.

I am compassionate

I am less at the mercy of my thoughts and fears than ever before

I am artistic and creative

I appreciate beauty

I feel gratitude often

I love the natural world

I feel connected with everything and everyone and I feel immense love

I can bear a lot of pain and am resilient

I am healthy and more fit than I have been for about 10 years

I care about myself and have healthy habits in place, eating and exercise wise

I am generous and want to help others