Facing the Disturbing Stuff

Thought it’s about time I just allow the noises from upstairs to take place without putting music on every time so I don’t hear them. I want to move away from changing or manipulating the world around me so I feel okay inside. I want to be okay with whatever is going on.

I did it before so I can do it again. Life delivers these noises in relatively short bursts, at predictable times of the day lasting around half an hour – some banging, stomping, slamming, lots of squeaking. It’s when they come into their kitchen above where I sit.

Those short bursts make it pretty much a gift to deal with. It means I can be ready to face them and let go. I had the Michael Singer Lecture Series Collection audiobook on ready to chum me along with coaching support. Yes it’s that intense the aversion. This is misophonia I’m dealing with. It’s an exaggerated disturbed response to certain sounds that I’ve had all my life. Though many if not most would find them annoying. It’s like having someone else clomp into your space.

It does take some courage to actively invite something that triggers intensely disturbed feelings. Which is why I have been putting it off. So I lent on his words though and did as he directed. Lean back inside and allow the tornado of disturbed energy to arise, and then give it over to life, offer it up. It was completely fine, exciting even. It’s just disturbed feelings, no big deal. Pain. Okay it is a big deal in a way. And the temptation to avoid is there. I want to go through now though, to surrender that reaction completely. ‘I can handle it’. Not ‘I can’t handle it’.

It does feel amazing to have done it again. I feel empowered and emboldened. And I do not underestimate the power of this gesture against my ego and the blow to my lower self. I now just have to keep on doing it. When I did this before a few times, I just stopped being annoyed after a while, then I even stopped noticing. Somehow I capitulated though and gave into the falsehood that I have to have the world arranged in a certain way for me to feel okay. Nope. It’s time again. I’m ready and willing and excited.

Today has been a little tough. Not completely relaxed, some tension. I visited the men, all 7 on one site now. They were chatty and it’s going well. Then I had a glorious walk up the river in the rain with the dog under an umbrella. The fresh green all around, the smells of spring… wow.

My mind was rather thought laden though. Just so busy chatting away about nothing. So I had to break its spell by bringing my attention to my walking, the feel of it, the body weight transferring from one leg to the next. That helped to bring me into the present a bit more.

I sat for ages on a mossy tree trunk, the dog at my feet, she was almost swallowed up by a comfy thick bed of leaves. The emotions are registering some sort of distress though, a wounded feeling, tense. Is it loneliness? Is it just letting go of everyone? And a little mourning for feeling normal again…the old and familiar? I don’t know exactly, but know it will pass and dissolve in time. It is all new now. I don’t feel the same attachment to what helped before as it doesn’t now. Not food, not alcohol, nor people. They just don’t bring comfort. Well sometimes people do, but not if I’m looking for it.

I tried to drop into the body a few times and allow. It’s still with me now. Feeling a bit out to sea and lost. Tired. Appreciative too that I have the freedom to conduct all these behaviour experiments. All this time and space on my own.

Did shopping, came back and made vegetable tempura. Threw out more old business files, that’s a fine feeling of unloading. On the sofa now. Spoke to J for an hour. It was difficult. I was uncomfortable. I wanted away for most of it. I don’t enjoy what people talk about. I’m not interested in current events, and many like him seem to follow the Ukrainian war daily like it’s some kind of sport. I have very little interest in focusing on the outside world. It’s a reflection of what is inside us. Madness inside shows up as madness outside. Changing the world for the better starts inside us. I intend to be a positive experience for every person that comes across my path every day, that’s it. And as I lose the me me me self focus more and more that is improving.

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