Monday Mornin’ Rain

Awoke not well rested, an odd sleep again full of vivid dreams. In one a friend had sacked their nanny who got revenge by redecorating his whole house in bright multicolours. And removing his cars with a crusher/grab lorry, one of which I was in and had to jump out to stay alive. That bit woke me up.

That last bit. Subconscious fears of being crushed/death coming up perhaps, with all this ego and self dissolving going on?

I hope one day the way that dreams appear so real will be explained to us. It’s ridiculous how such mental fabrications can seem so real. Like you are completely there living in it like it is reality.

Had an amazing therapy session with a client yesterday, and we went very deep indeed, touching on the journey of consciousness expansion and nonduality. Not the first time that has happened, where the client is so evolved that they are at this next stage. I certainly don’t aim to go there with clients. Most are dealing with the damage and conditioning that has been done and I help them navigate that with empathy, understanding, reframing and useful tools.

With enough of a clearing out of old conditioning however, this seems to happen automatically. Gradually or suddenly the restraints of conditioning loosen, the shackles of old beliefs fall apart and up arises more expansive realisations.

The last time it happened I got into some personal doubt as I didn’t feel qualified to be a guide through that territory, being a student myself. So I directed him on elsewhere.

This time I spoke with more certainty, though I’m still very cautious and aware I may need to drop away at any point. I’ll keep my focus practical processing of the old conditioning that comes up, and perhaps some consolidation of her realisations as they happen, for as long as she wants me to. I just don’t want to put myself forward as a spiritual guide of some sort as I’m swimming in this new territory myself.

I’m noticing I speak with surprising appropriateness though, I surprise myself even what comes out of my mouth and how right it is, perfectly married to what she needs to hear. That calculation is itself like some sort of fine complex mathematical equation. It’s even weird writing that, to know that is the case without any doubt. I am very humble in all this and that confidence doesn’t sound humble at all. Also, I notice that it sometimes seems pretty odd maybe even off, charging someone for this emancipation process. When it is all of our birthright. To be pondered further….

Was at the allotment yesterday all afternoon. It was warm and a little sunny and relaxing being with the plants. It’s just starting to grow now. A friend came over, one whose company I’m struggling with a bit. Maybe seeing too much of each other. The conversation is pretty superficial these days and he makes it obvious he isn’t in the slightest interested in what I have to say and only asks out of politeness.

He also complains a lot. Yesterday it was the the new carpet I helped him choose for his new place, he now hates the colour and it was a mistake he will have to live with. The desk I gave him, he said was all loose when he got it and he had to tighten it up to make it solid. Like it was some big deal. And every time I see him he comments that the dog is too fat, especially when I give her a treat, and he even implied I’m shortening her life yesterday. I was so concerned at one point that I checked with a German shepherd breeder a month ago and they assured me she isn’t overweight. His stuff.

I know what feels supportive and energising and what doesn’t. I wonder how and if this awakening process I’m undertaking effects others. Maybe it doesn’t bring out the best in others? There’s a lot of talk about losing friends because of it. I’m pretty grounded though and don’t feel like making any sudden changes in that respect. Keeping an eye on it though. I have a history of putting up with crappy behaviour I don’t want to slip back into, though not sure I could now.

Today I have a therapy client shortly. And then a visit to the men and walking the dog. It’s a rainy day all day today so maybe I get some design work done.