The Truth at any Price


A glimpse of sun after all the rain yesterday enticed me out for an early walk this morning which was an unexpected treat for the the dog and me. The first breath of fresh air is a joy as I step outside. Good to remember I can break the normal routines.

The mind was busy and chatty again as I walk. It’s struggling to find things to chat about since not a lot dramatic or topical is happening in my life. But it scrapes the bottom of the barrel anyway, anything but stay quiet. It starts going over an interaction with a friend I didn’t enjoy.

What is going on?

I was disappointed by his negativity/unconsciousness. I am in general sad about the superficial level he wants to interact with me on. And how much criticism and complaint he expresses in general about life.

Why does that matter?

I don’t enjoy it and I want to enjoy his company. I may see have to see less of him, and that is contrary to a hope that I harbour that I can both be ‘with’ others and be on this path of becoming conscious – I’ll have pals along with me and then I get to feel less alone.

It seems to be that reality doesn’t match your preferences and you are expecting others to behave in a way that will reduce your discomfort. In other words you are trying to arrange the world around you so that you feel okay.

Yes, true that.

So I drop into my body again as I walk to bring me back to the now. The weight shifting from one leg to the next. There are flowers, water drops, grasses blowing gently.

Had a long session with a client last night. She has an extreme aversion to saying no, so we had a lot of fun with me asking her a series of questions that came to me to do ridiculous things (like ‘why don’t you take off all your clothes and run around the house naked?’) and her replying ‘no’. Even though it was a kind of game she said it felt really useful, as it was even hard to say no in those circumstances. So I will ponder on some other questions for the next session perhaps.

I have that too on a less extreme level, as an invitation to a hen night showed me recently. I ended up saying ‘thanks but I don’t do hen nights’ but not before a bit of a panic first about how not to hurt or offend them. Afraid of asserting what I want in case others react negatively towards me.

Later. Just had a therapy client and feel so happy to witness the progress she has made since February in becoming more confident. She took on ever tools I suggested and applied it, and now regularly connects in with her feelings so doesn’t have such dips in mood (so no more 3-4 days in bed depressed), writes a gratitude list every day, honestly appraises her reactiveness when it arrives, is kinder herself, has banned ‘shoulds’ from her beliefs in how to live, asserts herself, doesn’t apologise for barely anything anymore. And generally is connecting with her fabulousness. I am so pleased for her. And I feel an enjoyable sense of usefulness myself. Well done to both of us, life beyond conditioning is not only possible but much more enjoyable. I feel a lovely buoyancy after that.

Going for a walk with E shortly, a long one through the woods.

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