I dance between the two. If I allow myself to be hauled by my mind with its fearful thoughts into scarcity I experience fear. When I relax into the spacious peace that sits behind the mind, I float back into a natural sense of abundance.
It always seems to be there when I relax and look around. There’s gratitude for the smallest thing, the abundance of beauty, people doing good in the world, all the supportive people around me, health, enough of everything….and at times all the emotions and energies even the uncomfortable ones.
I walked back from the allotment in the park yesterday noticing that I was unable to connect with abundance. Grey Feb day and feeling tired.
So to help myself connect with abundance i did an experimental exercise for fun. For a few minutes I imagined this was the last time I was ever going to walk down that lane. I imagined I was walking to my death, as if I was a prisoner facing execution.
What would I treasure and appreciate about being alive in those last minutes and moments? Immediately I noticed the feeling of being alive inside, I felt the gentle breeze on the skin of my face, the ability to walk, to be with the dog, surrounded by beautiful trees. I noticed the snowdrops around the trees. I go down to the river edge and listen to the sounds, watch the ducks and enjoy the dog’s joy splashing about. I enjoy not feeling anxious, enjoy the feeling of freedom to do what I want.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to suddenly wake up in this body. I just know it would be a marvellously intense experience. One we all get used to from habituation to being in a body alive.
So abundance. I ping pong back and forth from one quite extreme end of the spectrum to the other. Abundance to scarcity.
I’m leading myself time and time again back to ‘don’t believe everything you think’. Those thoughts that lead to fear of scarcity now require more noticing. That’s the magic ingredient – noticing. When noticed they don’t have control. When allowed to freely roam semi consciously they can grab the emotions.
I contacted that client and he decided it was too expensive. Now I know and am moving on. What was all that inner drama about. It’s always like that looking back, pointless. Each time I spend less time in it though, moving in the direction of peace.
Wonderful session with a therapy client this morning asking her to state her talents and strengths and abilities and I added a couple I observed myself. She felt encouraged.