Just after 8am and here I sit as my lovely kitchen table with a fire and a cup of tea beside me. There is a core calm I recognise and experience, and also feelings and thoughts rampaging around which I also feel fully. It’s a strange paradoxical feeling. That combination of which creates an intensity of its own. I breath. I wiggle my toes, stay in the body and connect with the felt sensations of the emotions. I lean back a bit inside, and become a witness and an experiencer.
A couple of weeks ago I became subsumed by the turbulent contracting feelings and thoughts and lost touch with any sense of calm. This time I am experiencing deep inner calm, and also at the same time fully feeling the hopes and fears and excitements and contraction feelings and thoughts. Watching and experiencing at the same time, the contrasts at once.
I often write about the fears and disappointments here, and I experience that acknowledging them is helpful. Not further contracting away. I have found that scary in the past, a fear that acknowledging them would increase their intensity even more.
However, acknowledging them is one thing and allowing the mind to get involved with analysing them is different. The latter can just be a waste of energy and time, and only further increase any disturbance. Especially when it’s something we can’t control ‘out there’.
I still haven’t heard back from the client. It has been a waiting time. Relaxing with that as much as I am able to, and this has generated a lot of energy of its own. To hold back when the horses inside want to charge forward and contact the client and find out what’s happening. Looking for certainty amid uncertainty. Bargaining inside with an unfavourable outlook about it. That’s natural. Feeling disappointed they haven’t been in touch after we developed such an interactive relationship, there’s annoyance at the lack of good manners in not replying. All sorts of reactions happening.
There’s wanting to escape from the intensity of suffering feelings too, and spending time getting involved in political issues, I don’t really care about. I know there’s a craziness going on out there. I don’t need to get involved with any details.
It’s all okay. I’m safe, life unfolds perfectly and I am at my core aligned with whatever takes place. Even if the emotions jumps about hysterically at times. I can choose to breath through it all and remember that stillness and love are at the core of our being.
Yesterday I went to the local pub and had a delightful superfood salad followed by a delicious lemon posset dessert. Had a nice chat with the locals who are neighbours I know.
It was a productive day yesterday – I used the fizzing energy of the multiple emotions inside again to get into action. Spent an hour cleaning the carpet with the rug cleaning machine, and progressed the design for the next job.
Today I’ve paid the men, and am going to visit my friends G and M for coffee at their place. My son has been chatting a bit, in Singapore on the way to Bali. got a business mentor meeting at 1pm.
Learning to Rest with it All 