I’ve been dropping these love bombs on my beleaguered conditioned psyche recently. Think there’s quite a lot of inner adjustments going on in the background as a result.
I’ve just turned the whole ‘self improvement’ project on its head, and turned it all around to
‘I am 100% acceptable just the way I am’.
The ‘I love you, I accept you, I support you, I respect you’…. I’ve been saying to myself and acknowledging recently.
And the impetus and motivation for any improvement. Poof! Gone in not even a puff of smoke.
I am left with much less of a sense of inadequacy or self doubt. And the prospect palpably arising of this disappearing completely, in unconditional love. This is quite a shock. How to be with that?
Now what to do. Nothing to improve or ‘work’ on. I’m left with this self acceptance, peaceful restful at ease. The tension has been taken out of it. No fight or struggle. Truly nothing to do, nowhere to go. I noticed I bit a nail down last night. Some kind of tension response going on I think.
And also to note that this is a part of the ever changing scenery and a temporary phase in this wild magnificent process. Overcoming the resistance to accepting, loving, liking, being myself is a big big one.
Nobody I want to talk to much either, socially anyway. The therapy clients, yes, there’s a motive there. But relatives and friends…not really. Not sure why. Nothing much to say just now. Maybe just busy inside with this.
So it is dreamy days running into other dreamy days. Doing a lot of staring into space too, with very little holding my interest. Was back needing to lie down by 2pm yesterday, and I stayed there till I went to bed back of 7pm.
Yesterday it was client in the morning, next one cancelled….so a visit to the men and a good chat there. Delivered the drawings for the next project.
Then picked up my friend E for a walk in the park. It was stormy wet and windy, and we had a walk in the woods then sat outside under the big umbrellas and had soup and cake. For the second time in the last few days I noticed after 2 hours of company I didn’t have much to say and wanted to be on my own again. I think it’s the phase I’m in.
This morning a business mentor meeting on Zoom. Not sure why I’m doing this since I have so little interest in business. I suppose it is something to do and someone to interact with. I have 3 AI generated art sales to report though!
And then a walk in the woods, it’s a sunny day today. I have a client to email, some design work to do this afternoon, and then I have a therapy client at 5pm. So life is happening and unfolding. And I’m appreciating and feeling grateful, and noticing how well I am supported, how much there is to feel thankful for.