The rest of the day yesterday was spent deeply absorbed in a spaciousness with very few self referential thoughts appearing. No memories, or thoughts about what to do, only fleeting ones about people, and very few about the future. I had a few tuggy thoughts arising about my friend M who loses his balance often that came to nothing. Normally there would be some judgment, along with discursive or analytical thoughts. There’s nowhere to go with it. I know that loss of balance well.
I’m noticing that listening to my beloved Samaneri reading the root texts of the old Dzogchen masters is not holding my attention today or last night falling asleep. They are more like an interruption of a state that I just want to be in. Feel it out and rest with. It’s so quiet inside just now. Slept for 9 hours nearly last night. Just spaciousness. And now fear isn’t arising about this space, not yet anyway.
Not a state of complete equanimity though. The noises upstairs are loud amid the morning’s silence and irritation arises. The urge to separate from what is being heard, or to block the hearing of the high pitched squeaking which I hear from rooms away. The feeling response arises sharply like the noise. It penetrates the inner and outer space and silence. The Michael Singer treatment beckons, complete surrender to relax in the disturbance amid it….
I had a second walk in the woods in the afternoon. Sunshine and fresh air and a very happy dog to be having such a treat after an already long walk earlier. I lay down in a little secluded field area in the sun. Just relaxing deep into the folds of the earthy grassy ground. Soaking up the sun rays, the dog leaning in right next to me. In heaven. No restlessness or thoughts of being elsewhere. Of tomorrow.
No going over conversations in my head, or worried about business or money. No hint of anything other than right this second. And this is what is occurring right now. Complete ease in this moment. I’m noting this as it is unusual….often my mind comes up with ideas of what I ‘should’ be doing. Starting to get that ‘I’ wasn’t doing any of it anyway. Happenings were just occurring at the right time.
Today there’s a therapy client on zoom, then friends arriving for a day out to a land on the other side of the country. The Kingdom of Fife.
I can feel the ego regrouping and trying to regain lost territory. The habit of thoughts about making an impression on others arises. Since a new person will arrive here in an hour or two. Thoughts of how the place looks, shouldn’t there be some cleaning or something?! Haha. Na.
A beautiful horse chestnut leaves unfolding, complete with the as yet unformed chestnut flowers themselves.