Pausing and Allowing


Saw an otter yesterday in the river just after I had a strong inner prompting to slow right down to almost a stop. So I paused and breathed and it appeared. Also saw some fabulous fungi.

Settling back into morning therapy sessions and early afternoon walks in the park. A beautiful lunch yesterday of homemade mushroom and leek soup at the outside cafe and a flapjack which Elsa and I shared back here later. I can taste again now which is welcome.

I lay on a fallen tree trunk in the sun for a while, just lingering as long as possible near the waterfall. Where would I rather be, what would I rather be doing? Might as well stay awhile longer.

Eventually back here, it wasn’t even 3pm and then to try and find something to occupy me till bedtime. But there’s barely anything I’m interested in right now. So I hang out on the iPad looking and looking and looking for stimulation, or learning or some satisfaction that isn’t forthcoming. This is temporary I sense. For example today, there’s a therapy client at 5pm as well as 2 this morning and a walk with E in between. I’ll see the men tomorrow.

Awake at 5am this morning, with that feeling of dread back again, in my throat and chest. Really sticky too. Just hanging there as a constant sensation of anxiety. Not enough to create any heart racing or anything, just a kind of thud sensation. Heavy and uncomfortable.

I dropped into my body to be with the sensation more fully. I found it difficult to get close to and pinpoint. So just stayed with it as a generalised feeling around the throat and chest. Put my hand up and felt the warm of care. Just turning towards it took some of the fear out of the equation. There’s often a part of me thinking “Oh no, not this again! I don’t want to be stuck feeling this all day, how will I deal with…..?”

So often I have felt afraid of being with anxiety as I feel it in the body, scared I won’t be able to handle the pain, or that it might increase.

That hasn’t happened yet. And all I ever experience is the discomfort of feeling it directly. It doesn’t actually get worse. I become less afraid of it the more I do it and get used to it, and so it becomes more just like a sensation. Maybe a little bit more neutral without me trying to deny or resist or not feel it. I stay with it. Breathe while feeling it. Not trying to do anything other than give it attention and a space to be there.

After a while, maybe an hour, it dissipated without me even noticing. All I noticed was I was a little lift of spirits as I sung my getting out of bed “A-Team’ theme tune to the dog who bounded in with joy. Then we have this funny little ritual where I try and put socks on and she stops me with her paws and gets me to scratch her.

So much joy she brings and that we have together. I love it, and feel immense gratitude for having this pure heart with me through life, a beautiful being I share so much trust love and fun with.

Other than that it’s a pretty solitary life right now. I have less inclination to be around anyone. Got a few different friends who like to ‘sound off’ with some complaining and anger about things. Which is perfectly understandable given the state of world affairs. I just don’t feel like being around it, not right now anyway.

Still coughing and blocked up, but feeling fine. Resting heart rate still particularly low at 48 the last few days. Got my daylight light on nearby lighting up the room, cosy fire, dishwasher humming away, all good. Whatever is going on, we can be here for ourselves with kindness.

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