First social outing yesterday in a few weeks and it was most highly enjoyable. We saw the otter again in the river and spent quiet time sharing openly. Then I had an experience of losing my words which was more than a little alarming. Mid conversation the word I was looking for wasn’t there, and other words I recognised but couldn’t remember the meaning of. It was when I was talking about my clients, which I don’t feel particularly aligned with, so it could have been that partly. I felt scared though. E was really nice and gentle about it. It went on for about half an hour till I dropped him off. I mostly just stayed quiet.
E was quick to point out that it’s ‘covid brain’, and right enough when I got home I looked it up. Yep. Brain fog is very common after covid. I didn’t expect this little curveball! He also shared his still not full recovery from having covid in July, his sleep is still upset and dreams very intense. I must admit I hadn’t taken ‘long covid’ very seriously as a possibility.
He talked about his last 2 weeks of submerging himself in forgiveness. I drank the subject and the feelings of it in deeply. I have some work to do with my mum with forgiveness. Still a little part of me holding onto a lack of it.
And again at 5am I awoke with that dread feeling. Non specific fear about what I don’t know? So I just stayed comfy cosy, focused on my breathing a little and nurtured myself through it, the dog helped too with switching me to the ‘feeling love channel’. Thank you dog.
I’ve been studying internal family systems (IFS) as a method the last few days including last night and this morning in bed. Watching videos by the founder. Richard Schwartz. Something I have discovered that I been partly doing without realising it, having come to some similar conclusions and tools. I’m feeling very encouraged by this validation and also by what I’m learning, and that it will enable me to be of more help to others. How do we learn to love ourselves? That question. How to fast track, so they don’t have to spend decades in the dark trying to undoing the damage, the way many of us have had to. Well, it’s not that any of that time was wasted exactly or anything.
Everyone of my clients is dealing with this question. How do I learn to love myself. I’m so happy about that.
It’s pouring again. I’ve suggested the men to go find a cafe to shelter in. I’ve for 2 therapy clients then I’ll go and see then. First time in 2 weeks! What a journey these last 2 weeks have been.
I’m also noticing that twice this morning so far already, a little burst of exhilaration has occurred. Joy even. Fleeting little passing rise in mood. Happiness. A lightness. It happened yesterday morning too after the dread. An automatic lifting of fear, leaving me behind it remaining without the feeling of fear. Which seems to be happy. A free feeling. And it doesn’t seem to matter what else is going on. No cause. Just a spontaneous lift. Thank you.