I am well, relatively calm, and yet something is very different. I’m having these 8 and 9 and 10 hour sleeps and spending a lot of each day lying down. And alone almost all the time too just now, not much desire for company. Could be the remains of covid working it’s way out. Still coughing quite a bit. Nothing much is holding my attention, mainly just Eckhart Tolle at the moment. I’ve been listening to him for hours since about 3am this morning, then dozing off then putting another talk on. I’m just surrendering and trusting, since it’s what is happening anyway. And there’s usually some dread lurking too, the ego really doesn’t like this ‘letting go’ talk.
Now and then little doubt thoughts come in and even suggest that I might be dying. It feels a bit like that on some level. Nothing is as it was before. Nothing is familiar. Down to how it actually feels to be me in the basic state of being that I’m used to feeling. My heart rate which was normally quite low anyway at around 56, is now around 48 the last few days. I don’t know what any of this means.
Fear is dancing around here, skirting around the perimeter. I notice the anxiety as a felt sensation in my throat. It’s a little tight. I drop in to say hello to it. I breathe. It seems to relax a little after a few minutes.
Maybe everything is actually 100% fine. This is what it’s like when you I stop waiting for the next moment. Maybe this moment is perfect. It’s pretty clear that I’m 100% safe in this very moment and any perceived danger in the future isn’t actually happening right now. And all I have to do, if I want, is to recognise that. This is the moment where I live. Right now.
And what a comfortable pain free now this is. Lovely and warm and comfy, it’s a quiet and peaceful neighbourhood, there’s abundant nature outside across the road. The dog is healthy and we have just had a lovely little walk in the fresh morning air.
Whatever happened in the distant past to make me so afraid, is no longer a threat to me. I can let it go now completely. We are actually fine, me as the compassionate wise adult and the little girl living in here.