I had my second session last night.
I had been making big leaps and bounds out of my shackles into freedom with the help of Michael Singer’s material. I spoke about it before here, how I went from, for example, putting music on to drown out annoying noises from upstairs, to just being with the disturbed energy of something happening that I don’t like. And being with it, feeling the temptation and pull of the ego and letting it go. It worked for some months.
I felt the awesome freedom of that, the power inside of not needing to arrange the world around me so that I feel comfortable, and instead letting the world just be. I was so thrilled and excited by becoming larger than my fear – still it was there but a small part of my much bigger quieter still self. I started to notice that I didn’t even hear the noises any more. I rejoiced in every opportunity to practise being with that disturbed storm inside and not doing anything to make myself comfortable by changing circumstances on the outside.
And then I got scared and ran away. I resumed being annoyed. It all snapped back into place…the ritual of putting the radio on when the noises arrived which I was again afraid of experiencing. Getting annoyed with someone driving ‘too slowly’ in front of me. Worrying about business and money again.
But I had tasted that the freedom was a joy and nothing bad happened. I was a happier freer more spontaneous person more present in each moment, and able to serve in each moment whatever came in front of my view.
It was hard to define exactly what I was afraid of, it was a powerful fear of freedom felt physically. And I felt very alone with it all. So this bird flew back into the cage. The cage I’ve lived in all my life with the door wide open.
So his name is Marc Leavitt. That’s a link to his YouTube channel. I think this is a first for me, actually interacting with a ‘self actualised’ enlightened person face to face.
I read and loved his book some years ago and then he kind of disappeared for a while and returned to YouTube recently reading out his new books which I have been following. I approached him for some sessions and it’s been like a warm comforting bath being with someone further along who knows exactly what I’m talking about re the fears and resistance I’m experiencing.
And I can examine the fears now with someone who has already surrendered.
The resistance is partly the addiction to struggle and the sheer sense of groundlessness that comes from moving away from the known. Trusting. Surrendering my likes and dislikes. Fear for my identity dissolving and what that entails, which is pretty much a death. It feels like death ahead and I’m terrified!
And I know somewhere in here that it’s a death prior to a new life. Because I’ve experienced that surrender of control – I have been doing it for years in small steps.
His commitment which he explains in detail in his books is inspiring. For him surrendering was the one and only goal.
I see my commitment is not complete yet. Im still hedging my bets. For example – I also want to leave room for my fears of not having enough money because I have a mistaken belief that that fear stops me not having enough money.
I have a fear of being even more alone as I travel this path. I have a fear of being more isolated. I’m already feeling that isolation with really next to nobody to share this path with. Fear of even less of a sense of belonging.
I’m still busy with maintaining this image of myself and my identity, of being understood and explaining myself when I sense I’m being misunderstood, of defending myself if I feel attacked.
I return habitually to not being happy and part of me is scared of being happy.
All of this has to be surrendered.
He surrendered all of his fears and was one pointed in his aim. He told me last night he fell in love with inner silence and being in the void. This was an indication to me.
This is my next step. I have some experience of the feeling of refuge inside when I’m not thinking. When I’m not thinking I experience the relaxed open spaciousness. When I’m not thinking and I’m absorbed in the beauty of a waterfall. Or deeply absorbed in a design, or loving the dog, or listening to a therapy client. When me and my thoughts which are almost all ‘concerns’ of some type, I’m at peace.
I used to be afraid when I imagined being in the presence of an enlightened person. I was afraid of being somehow burned by their light. Well I wasn’t burned at all. I did see what I’m still grabbing onto for some sense of security and what I need to do next. It was a joy not to feel alone. I’m experiencing when the student is ready the teacher will appear.