Still here deep in the folds of the current cycle – my little dark night of the soul raging away, and me sitting here facing reality as it is. I’m doing it a little differently this time round, and leaning more on a felt sense of surrender.
The faith and trust bits, well…..I’m just having faith and trust those will appear more significantly to assist me in this process at some point ! Meantime surrendering is enough. Marc Leavitt is a great personal guide having crossed over the river completely. Though this has to be done alone, knowing others who have done it gives some comfort.
The increased willingness to experience pain has proved very useful I think this time. Boy is this painful, whew. And Michael Singer, also fully crossed over, has helped me hugely with that. Now with his detailed descriptions of the ‘how’, I can sit back a little inside from the turbulence of fear and terror, and experience it as a little strong tornado in my body. I can experience and watch it at the same time. This reminds me that, while extremely uncomfortable, there’s no need to panic, I’m not the actual tornado, I’m the watcher. I’m the ocean experiencing stormy waves. I know it will pass at some point too which is some small salve to my nerves.
This comes in cycles and when each cycle comes round I now understand presents a tremendous opportunity to face it more head on. More intimately and just be vulnerable. Less reaching for comforters this time. Though still got my faithful reliable buddies, endless cups of tea, my dog and nature.
And the reality is I’m safe physically. Even if part of me feels in mortal danger, the clinging ego. It’s trying all sorts of ways to terrify me with its catastrophic suggestions. I watch this going on and I breathe in and out from my belly.
I remember times in the past when I’ve jumped off the cliff, or been pushed, when on the other side of clinging an unexpected heavenly world opened up. Where things like jealousy and fear or anger were unimaginable. I felt so safe there. It was like coming home again. Totally present and complete trust.
I was able to stay for some days at a time. What a heavily guarded world that is. Requiring some sort of purification to fully enter. That sounds religious, I don’t mean it like that, just that by carrying fear, anger etc we disbar ourselves from entering. What I do know is that there are others there waiting for our return with a warm welcome. Thanks to those who have forged forward before us leaving a trail of pointing instructions and crumbs for us to follow.
“Let Santana, the current of life, carry the expectant travelers to the new shore.
There are many waiting. Let them learn first about the difficulties
of the journey, and clearly understand the fight with darkness. Let
them not hope to avoid it. The path to joy cannot be easy.
There will be joy. We shall speak more about joy, but first let us forge the armor of the spirit.”
From a book by Helena Roerich called ‘Supermundane’.
Why can’t it be easy? perhaps we require the leverage of the resistance to forge the necessary muscles of trust to let go of clinging.
There are a few tools in my kit which help a little
- Self compassion
- Nature walks and noticing the beauty
- Sending love out there to the world
- Breathing from the belly
- Helping anyone/everyone we can
- Remembering gratitude for all we have and how well supported we are
- Knowing others have travelled this razor edged path
- Being in the present moment-using the senses to be there, what do I see, smell, hear touch right now. It’s a big refuge for me and creates a space to notice the thoughts early on.
- And I’ve got this place to write it all out and some unknown buddies out there in the form of you, thank you 🙏