To not close my heart and to instead remain open (and free). That sums it all up. The Mission. I watch how my fears have repeatedly caused a reflex of contraction. And this contraction in itself feels very painful. The creative energy is blocked and the love is imprisoned, it gets jammed up and it can’t flow. Any natural givingness is stunted.
Do I want to spend my life trying to manipulate situations so that they are required to maintain my open heart? Nope. How do I stop contracting when people say or do things I don’t like? Keep practising being in situations I don’t like and not closing. Feel any disturbance that arises and stay open, resist that close up and protect reflex.
This is the surrender experiment. I’m seeing more and more ways that trigger me closing. I’m continuing with not putting the radio on to block the noises from upstairs.
I’m being with the disturbance and just feeling it and watching it, while relaxing. That’s a nice regular practise opportunity which I’ve turned into a bit of a game. I don’t like it at all and I just stay with not liking it. Bang squeak bang from neighbours upstairs, and I get annoyed right away. I don’t want to hear that, so I feel disturbed by it. Then I just relax with the feeling of being disturbed. They stop, and it passes till the next time.
I see that I close right up and contract if someone is driving too slowly in front of me. I get annoyed, disturbed with impatience. I sometimes even drive too close to them, an aggressive act designed to give them the message they ‘should ‘ be going faster.
So I’ve been trying something different, to just notice that irritation, the disturbed feeling, and relax with the disturbance. Not to try and get rid of the irritation, but lean way back inside and relax with the irritation, let it be. I can relax behind it and observe. I’m in here, there’s the irritation, and I relax. I don’t have to close up and contract.
If someone’s dog is barking persistently in the park, I close. I get annoyed and have judging thoughts, I start thinking they shouldn’t be allowing the dog to bark so much. I can instead relax and let the disturbed feelings be. Irritation swells up and I don’t have to participate.
I want to let this stuff burn through. I am willing to experience the fear and insecurity and be with the pain. I then sit just there in limbo. The heart doesn’t open fully as I’m annoyed/scared but I don’t participate in closing it tighter. I notice it and relax. I disengage by leaning away.
I am starting with these little things. I close over many tiny things. And after a lifetime of scuttling around trying to get the world to make me feel okay, I’m ready to try a new tactic.
“It is not for you to seek Love. It is but for you to remove the obstacles you have put in her place” Rumi