To not close my heart and to instead remain open and free. That sums it all up. The Mission. I watch how my fears have repeatedly caused a reflex of contraction. And this feels very painful. The whole energy is blocked and the love is imprisoned, it can’t flow. The beautiful givingness is stunted.
Do I want to spend my life trying to manipulate situations so that they maintain my open heart? Nope. How do I stop contracting when people say or do things I don’t like? Keep practising being in situations I don’t like and not closing.
This is the surrender experiment. I’m seeing more and more ways that trigger me closing. I’m continuing with not putting the radio on to block the noises from upstairs.
I’m being with the disturbance and just feeling it and watching it, while relaxing. That’s a nice regular practise opportunity which I’ve turned into a bit of a game. I don’t like it at all! and I just stay with not liking it. Bang squeak bang, and I get annoyed right away. I don’t want to hear that, so I feel disturbed by it. Then I just relax with the feeling of being disturbed. They stop, it passes till the next time.
I see that I close if someone is driving too slow in front of me. I get annoyed, disturbed with impatience. I might even drive too close to give them the message. So now it’s time to notice that irritation, the disturbed feeling and relax with the disturbance. Not try and relax the irritation, let that be, but I can relax behind it and observe. I’m in here, there’s the irritation, and I relax. I don’t have to close.
If someone’s dog is barking in the park, I close. I get annoyed and have judging thoughts, I start thinking they shouldn’t be allowing the dog to bark so much. I can instead relax and let the disturbed feelings be. It’s going to come up and I don’t have to participate.
I want to let this stuff burn through. I am willing to experience the fear and insecurity and be with the pain. I then sit just there in limbo. The heart doesn’t open fully as I’m annoyed/scared but I don’t participate in closing it tighter. I notice it and relax. I disengage by leaning away.
I am starting with these little tiny things. I close over many tiny things! I’m embarrassed at just how small and how many there are.
“It is not for you to seek Love. It is but for you to remove the obstacles you have put in her place” Rumi