Old Patterns

Checking in early today with some anxiety as I awoke out of a stress producing dream, that must have stirred up some mud. So some distress got to the physiology before I had a chance.

Then habitual thought patterns arise to try and ‘solve’ it. Really obvious stuff too, trying to get me to go into threat detection mode, to feel concern.

Think this is what Michael Singer talks about when he describes ‘the pull’, that which wants to draw you back into the energy of disturbance. To just relax and sit back with the pull into disturbed energy. Not to try and calm the energy itself, but to allow it while not collapsing into it. Anyway the thoughts started before I relaxed and went something like this, the usual repetitive stuff!

‘what about T, (my son) he didn’t reply yesterday he might not be okay’

Oh oh it’s Monday and all those guys will be out there taking actions that you are responsible for

what about the next job for the guys if you don’t have one arranged in time what will you do, that could be trouble financially’

What about this money you’re making, there’s going to be big vat and tax bills, you need to be concerned about maybe getting an unpleasant surprise’

What if this covid situation isn’t over and something really awful is going to happen to us all’

Isn’t it interesting how fast that happens. Minutes, seconds even. I could go through each stress producing thought and apply reason as in Byron Katie style, but I just see them as old rumblings and decide to simply drop them.

A little bit of anxiety physically is like a trigger for the thought patterns and nervous system to create more, and it’s more used to contraction historically for me rather than the relax and open I’ve been exploring.

I respond with the Gayatri, tat savitur varenyam….it helps, though the nervous system is already pretty well activated.

So I drop attention into the body and feel into the sensations. What’s going on here. Ah Yes the usual tight throat and lump at the solar plexus. Breath.

I feel restless and I browse the internet to distract, nothing is very interesting and I find myself choosing to go to the news. The News! Why would I do that, maybe curiosity. It hurts though, like taking a whole bath in stress. I decide to get up. Sing my ‘A-Team’ theme tune to the dog and laugh at myself and the movement of getting dressed and giving some affection helps.

Still feeling a little heightened stressed right now. Something inside wants to paint the atmosphere in a negative colour. To pull away from the peace of the last few days. I relax and allow it.

Life’s rich tapestry.

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