I went to see a flat to buy on Saturday with my Mum, and think it may very well be my first house. It needs a bit of work but it’s quite big and cheap. I imagine being there for 2 or 3 years till I build up funds to get a nicer place, maybe a house with a garden. I’m playing safe at the moment. Quite exciting and something to really look forward to! Choosing colours, furnishings and making a home.
On Saturday night my neighbours downstairs had a loud party till 3am. I holed up in my back room and watched great movies, taking the good with the bad and knowing I will be out of here soon. Was angry at some points, I thought they could have just warned me and I could have vacated. That’s where much anger comes from, my own thoughts – thinking that people should behave in a different way than the way they are behaving. It’s rather pointless and I realise that. So I just made the best of it and looked after myself.
On Sunday I visited a friend who is paralysed from the neck down. He has Parkinson’s disease and had a fall a year ago which damaged his spine at the neck. I go about once a month, it’s an hour and a half drive away to the Care Home he lives in. We always have a good intimate deep authentic talk about our lives. His situation is extremely challenging as you can imagine. He can’t eat, or walk, or even wipe his own bottom. I can’t imagine it. But he is coping somehow. Though none of his friends other than me visit him ever. I don’t really understand that. He has a wife who is leaving too. I got him a therapist who goes once’s week. Mostly to help him face the sexual abuse he suffered as a child. Man oh man, so humbling. What some people go through. I can hardly process what it must be like.
I was thinking about it as I stood in the shower. How someone in his position would so love to be able to do such a simple act. And many other such activities we all do every day, cook, walk in the park, have a poo, use a knife and fork. I feel that I’m not aware of the miracle that is our every day life, at that most simple level. Though I do connect with my gratitude regularly.
Last night I went to a ‘sound bath’. 5 of us lay on huge bean bags under cosy blankets in candlelight. The group facilitator, a most loving and slightly mystical polish woman, played on half a dozen singing bowls making sublime hypnotic sounds, and went round each of us while playing them and talking us through a guided meditation. The sound was very penetrative, a beautiful experience.
Im glad I sought out help. I’m glad to have a therapist, a life coach and a business coach! And all these groups…
I’m feeling very grateful for discovering these Meet Up groups, it’s been a life changer. It’s brought new experiences, new people and learning and fun. And giving me something to do. I’m out 3 or 4 nights a week. I’m still not drinking alcohol, it’s just gone as a habit, I don’t think about it at all. I don’t mind drinking occasionally socially, but it just doesn’t feel good any more generally. Strange to look back on how I felt I needed those couple of glasses of wine or cider most evenings as a little ‘treat’. I don’t even like the feeling of it any more, especially when I’m on my own. I really enjoy the clarity of being sober. Life isn’t so painful now I suppose, not so much reason to self medicate. Must be saving such a lot of money too.
It’s 1pm and I’ve been on the sofa working away, sending emails answering calls, reading and writing here. I’m so glad to have this place to express my thoughts in.
Learning to Rest with it All 