I just started off about to write how lacking I am in these things. Then I realised I actually have them in my life already. Somehow I seem to have programmed myself or been programmed to look at what is wrong and what is lacking. Addiction to complaint and scarcity thinking are habits I am in the process of successfully breaking.
Not only do I have all these things, I’m tremendously grateful for them. I have the satisfaction and fulfilment from creating a business from nothing and a niche to occupy in society, from employing men and caring for them as an employer, I have my wonderful family, my son, Mum, uncle, sister, and a few cousins. I have my good friends, and new friends in the making, my new weekly groups, intimate connection and communication with strangers has brought a new dimension, and I am engaged not withdrawn from life out there meeting clients and running a business.
I have been seeking material security these last few years, as I have considered that I have been lacking that, in the sense of owning my own home mostly and also struggling to pay bills and make a profit and balance the books in business. Perhaps I can drop that story now though. So I don’t own a house, so what. I struggle with cash flow at times, yet I manage.
I forget that most of us have such an enormous level of comfort safety and actually luxury that I take for granted too. I am again sitting here under a blanket keeping warm this winter afternoon. I’m not working in some office among people I don’t like with a boss telling me what to do. I am free of that. How great.
I do have a better standard of living than cleopatra had and so do many of us. It’s so wonderful, the first time in human history that so many of us live in such material comfort and safety. It does seem that for many a sense of purpose, belonging, community, joy, intimacy have taken second place to ‘getting ahead’.
Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely felt the lack of these things with my 2 most meaningful connections gone, my son and my dog. And I have had to take steps to help myself develop these deeper aspects of life. I sought help when I couldn’t get out of my mourning which became an underlying low mood funk. I got a therapist and a coach, and now focus more on seeking new activities that bring meaning and purpose and connection and I feel so much better now that I am building new connections. I am finding these through the groups I have become a part of which encourage authentic connection and communication. It’s weird looking at how I sat here for a year feeling so lonely and all I had to do was help myself, look for the meet up groups and go along, spend the time meeting people, learning new things. It took a long time before I asked for help too, I could have done that earlier, I suppose I had to wait for the courage of desperation to arrive!
I have felt so alone running this business with all its responsibility, stress and pressure. But boy, have I learned a lot about resilience and stress. And myself, and people and how we all work. And what not to do, and what to do for success. It has been an opportunity for the development of my strength and self knowledge. I have made big mistakes saying yes when I knew no was the answer, these have cost me dearly and set me back. I may have to forego my dream of owning my own place this year and drag all this stuff into another rental apartment. So yes, I’ve had to face the self sabotage of limiting my progress. Is success really so scary? This painful lesson taught me a lot not least that it is more scary to unconsciously self sabotage. However, I won’t focus too much on the failures. There is a whole future ahead and a new story that I can write. Already I’ve achieved a lot.
I am a woman on her own in a traditionally male industry who has created a business out of nothing that is still going after 12 years and is successful enough to fully support 6 people and their families including myself. I need to regularly remind myself what an achievement that is.