One minute it’s all down in the dumps next it’s encouraged and cheerful. I’m like a leaf on the wind blown about by adversity and good fortune. A client is happy or a client is not happy, this effects my mood. So much for equanimity. The Mindfulness App just popped up with “note the Mountain Within You” as I write this.
This is it. This is IT. Right now what is happening this second is it, in its mundane boring silent normalcy. Right now this very second as I take my breath. This is all there is, and how I am with it I decide. Is this moment Allowed to be in its miraculous unexpected creativitity or is it hell? It can be so many contrasting things and yet look exactly, the same from the outside.
What I’ve discovered is that it is more enjoyable when expectations are recognised and dropped. All ideas and beliefs of what it ‘should’ be like, what it should feel like. What I want, don’t want. Then I get in the way of being with it all as it comes and goes naturally. I’m more in touch with what is true on my own.
It’s quite a juggling operation, to mingle with well known others who have those expectations, pretty much everybody except the odd drop out or poet. Got to pretend a bit when talking to them, play the part. And can easily find myself falling into the illusion of what I’m saying, believing the rubbish that comes out this lying mouth. It’s always only a minute particle of what is true, and it’s mostly cancelled out by something more true I’m not saying. Even worse, what I actually say very often is determined by what they expect. Their script. I’ve got next to no integrity haha. Yet increasingly I’m outrageously just myself when meeting strangers, new clients particularly, and loving the freedom after dropping caring what they think, caring if I get the job.
Finding the most balance here by being completely alone (never really am though really of course) largely, by hunting down the expectations I secretly harbour and saying bye to them. Joy in next to nothing. Which actually always seems to exceed any expectations I no longer had. Gusts of unexpected tiny little amazing gorgeous happenings take place that blow me away. Noticing some pattern on tree bark. The way the light hits the wall. The patina on the lock. The smell of Wisteria reaching my nose. Knowing the right thing to say at the right time. That only seems to happen when I don’t try. If I try to manipulate an outcome, then it’s hit or miss or just plain lame. Rehearsed rubbish. Not fresh unexpected and free.
For the magic to take place, for the Tao/Rigpa/the Force to move me completely into its choreography I need to not be there. Need to not be there! Stand aside, no personal goal in mind. It’s been a lifelong task learning how to stop being manipulative. Not to want anything when interacting. Though that is impossible too. We don’t want others to hurt or kill us! But not trying to squeeze a particular outcome is a tricky one to drop for me. To let go. Trust. Give up control. Open to the unexpected. Leave the familiar scripts behind. Enjoying playing with this. So this week my homework is
– to stay quiet and listen and observe more when interacting with others, be there to serve the moment
– to watch the urge to take over and gain control of conversations
– to remain aware of the bodily sensations when interacting, where any anxiety is felt physically or excitement
– slow down, right down
– use all the senses
Learning to Rest with it All 