Yes, that describes this particular story I am in right now. Getting caught up in the story of ‘me’ness. These posts are more long winded when Im in the ‘me’ story, but here it is anyway…telling a story to arise out of the story.
Been submerging in silence and space and nature a lot daily and also in vastly increased and contrasting worldly activity and work tasks. So many new clients, projects to manage, getting the money in, the men, things going very wrong, designs, details, cad technicians, other designer, changes of details, texts, emails, calls, visits, meetings here. A lot has been going ‘wrong’ recently. Usually its once in a while and gets swallowed up in my calm approach but many things happening at once, sigh, well….
I have found the mood to be getting more grumpy and exasperated. When too many things don’t go right and require more and more time and attention. Then I lose consciousness of the backdrop of spaciousness in which the activity takes place, and turn my sight to the details where I get lost and emotionally involved. I have been getting annoyed here and there with clients and the guys. Ruminating too much over what is not going right. It is tiring to engage at this level. It can happen in an instant too. Remembering takes constant vigilance and practicing being present.
I watch the mind when I indulge like this, how strange to witness that part of me enjoys this conflict and drama. It has been starved and getting a chance to be back there is like a feast. Of blood and gore though.
Need little self coaching here. What can I do to help redress the balance and invite myself to remember the spacious backdrop that is me and all of us and everything? So notes to self-
- The practices of exercising more vigorously and more often – it is helping greatly to be physically fitter and I have much more energy – the days of deep fatigue seem long gone now. And the body is losing weight – its been dropping off lately and Im on a BMI of 25 now so don’t need to go any further unless it feel right….Im feeling good for it, so each day continue going to the gym and encourage the body a little further each time as it feels right, it can take a little muscle burn on the weight machine or another 5 minutes brisk walking, then the swim then the jacuzzi to rest the muscles. This is self kindness in action.
- Continue the evening park walks. Last might I was out there after 10pm, still light, submerged in damp after rain aromas, flowers, mud, lush greenery, birdsong – its therapeutic reminder that I am part of a bigger picture than my little daily worldly concerns that blow so out of proportion regularly, perspective restoration.
- Be honest when anger arises, when impatience arrives and see the fear, the perfectionist tendencies, the poor me, the wanting someone to rescue me, feeling weak, feeling lost, feeling alone, boredom, the jealousy and envy, the desire and longing, the cowardice. It is okay to acknowledge those things, it won’t destroy anything, it will only expand the idea of ‘me’ out to include and ever widening everything. Nothing left out. It is all in there and none of it diminishes me or makes me a ‘bad’ person. These qualities are all have fear at their root and can be soothed. Allow them to come up and cuddle them when they arise. Smile at them. The more I can acknowledge the wider I become, and meeting them with compassion makes me less judgemental of everyone for displaying these qualities.
- Remembering consciously what is going right, in small and big ways. My son is happy and thriving living independently in Spain and enjoying and learning and so wise for his age and having fun. Friends and family are largely happy and healthy. I have a nice safe quiet house in a good area that is inexpensive. The massive park with fields and a river, a pond, horses cows and wildlife and woods is less than a mile away. I have wonderful shops nearby that supply my every need. I have enough money to buy what I need and want. I have nobody in my life Im in conflict with. I have a mindfulness at my fingertips all day long to help me remember. I love my mindfulness class on a Wednesday evening. I have space and freedom to be myself.
- Allowing encouraging thoughts that acknowledge what is being done well, that I am managing to carry the responsibility I have chosen to take on, that my skills and talents are appreciated. This is a little antidote to the fearful thoughts of self doubt that arise. Its a gratitude list really, thanking myself and life for the support.
- Acknowledging that antidotes are on another level not required, and that all is rigpa, the stress, the temper tantrums, the cool breeze and birdsong, the bills arriving, the gardens, and that it is all perfect and does not require changing just an adjustment in my relationship to them all.
- Finding ways to be kind and generous even in small ways, a smile to a stranger, little visits to relatives nursing a dying father, a hello to a friendly dog, asking the woman at the check out what kind of day she is having, complimenting a neighbour on how she looks – sharing reminds me and others that we are not separate and that life supports us.
“The world you see is just a movie in your mind.
Rocks dont see it.
Bless and sit down.
Forgive and forget.
Practice kindness all day to everybody
and you will realize you’re already
in heaven now.
That’s the story.
That’s the message.
Nobody understands it,
nobody listens, they’re
all running around like chickens with heads cut
off. I will try to teach it but it will
be in vain, s’why I’ll
end up in a shack
praying and being
cool and singing
by my woodstove
—Jack Kerouac, excerpt from a letter to his first wife, Edith
“If there is peace in your mind you will find peace with everybody. If your mind is agitated you will find agitation everywhere. So first find peace within and you will see this inner peace reflected everywhere else. You are this peace. You are happiness, find out. Where else will you find peace if not within you?” ~ Papaji ~