Still unwell with Covid

Strangely comfortable all night though, I took a pain killer which helped the back pain. I appreciated just being in the body so fully and kind of paralysed, unable to do anything but just stay put. Feeling unwell in the background makes physical comfort more noticeable when it comes and is so appreciated too. To notice not being sore and be grateful for it.

And not unhappy actually, while the body is going a bit haywire here. Muscle and joint pain, shivering, runny nose, sore throat, weakness, earache, no appetite, standing is even an effort, lower back pain making me feel nauseous. And a mild headache. Drinking hot fresh orange here. No appetite at all. In bed asleep at 8pm last night till 5am.

The psychological state of this is interesting. I can’t do anything except lie down and recover. No focus at all.

I was awake on and off through the night. My habit is to turn towards something on my iPad to amuse myself, something of interest…..a talk or interview, an article. Could not do that at all. I felt repulsed by the iPad. Could not take any stimulation in at all, far less electronic.

My body wouldn’t obey. I had to just lie there quietly in silence. And little or no thoughts arriving. The odd tiny one got in without me noticing. But it was easy to lie there and just be and observe any thoughts. Occupying an observer role to it all, sensations of feeling the thoughts. All I could do is meditate!

At one point a worry thought got through and the attention started down that route of worrying about something in the future, and the subsequent stress was noticeable. Dropped it immediately. “Nope, I’m allergic to that sort of worry stress right now” I thought, no energy for it. Let’s stay in this moment. It seems all I have the energy for right now. And it’s the only safe place to be. When the body is unwell the attention doesn’t have the luxury of jumping and roving around. It has to focus its energy on getting better, deeply resting. Being present. Forced meditative state.

Today I have an Israeli therapy client this morning in an hour. He suffered immense sustained cruelty in his childhood. And has done remarkably well. Been left with a lot of anxiety though. Doing a lot of psycho education about how the threat system works, and soothing activities.

Bit later – I’m am actually feeling a lot better right now after seeing that therapy client. My whole system is very much slowed down and I saw a different side of me. More considered, calmer. Saying less. Allowing longer pauses. This is interesting. I was able to say some things that had a very powerful impact on him. Explaining how children conclude they are deficient when they are subject to unloving behaviour on the part of parents. How they have no choice but to conclude that if they are being treated badly they must deserve it. And so we carry this false belief that we are unlovable and not good enough for our lives till we realise it’s not true and set about orientating towards what is true.

I say that very clearly to people. That they were taught a lie about themselves. That’s what it is.

I always feel better after writing here. Thank you for listening. It’s so nice to have an outlet to express myself living on my own and being an extrovert.

Later 4pm. All day just having to lie here. Slept for an hour and half at lunchtime. Sore all over. No energy to do anything. An effort just to stand up.