Testy Times

I decided that a good judge of a prospective partner’s stability, inner emotional health and self esteem is what sort of relationship he had/has with his mother (and less so father too). So in an effort to avoid another horrible lunatic I thought I’d ask the question on my first dates and I did.

“Do you get on with your mum?” I ask.

“No we don’t talk, she is evil, always has been. So was my dad. I had to report her to the police for stealing money from an old couple a few years ago and she turned my children against me.”

Was the answer. And a big story about that. That’s why he had to do the work on himself though and now more self aware.

Oh dear oh dear.

The date went well though. The guy was lovely and we got on great. Very easy flow of conversation. A few things I’m not sure about though but I will probably see him again. He seems a bit needy, very (a bit too?) attentive in person and loads of texting since which has been a bit much. Accent is rough and grammar not great. Says ‘I done it’ instead of ‘I did it’. Knowledgable about a variety of topics, into a few odd things though like astrology and reiki which I’m not. Flirting with me which I hate, sent a pic of his four poster bed and said he can imagine me in it. Yuck. Will I see him again?

What a lot of resting I do, and seem to need. 8 hours sleep again and lots of lying down during the day too. I’ve been listening to James Low again before and during sleep and all this morning. Hanging on for dear life to the teaching and the teachers amid challenges from my fearful imagination and financial uncertainty.

Which is the result largely of my lack of motivation to do the work required to keep it all going and have some financial security. I have 2 small payments left on the current project then nothing arranged still. About to price a small 3 week job that could be the next one. Is likely to be unless they change their minds which they could of course.

There’s too many bits of me falling off at the moment to focus on such things. Like the future. When I’m living right now more and more. Is this what life falling apart looks like? An unraveling inside starting to reflect on the outside? Everything seems just fine on the ‘outside’ though this very moment where I live. Dog is lying beside me, sun is shine, it’s Sunday. I have a therapy client shortly. And a woodland walk beckons after the rain we have had.

All I’m focussed on in the surrendering and trusting over and over. Even though I sometimes call it ego dissolution, it is not an attempt to kill the ego completely but it finding it’s place, as follower/helper not leader.

The Force has been doing an amazing job looking after me though so far and there’s no reason for that to stop, unless it wants to take me further to the edge of fears of what it looks like to surrendering everything around livelihood and material security. I’ve tried the hard stick critical approach to make myself do the work dutifully and it hasn’t worked so far. I only do what I need to do. It’s summer and I have no work lined up for the men! I’ve never been this negligent before about the business, it’s future, the men’s jobs.

I don’t seem to die despite these bouts of inner terror and catasrophising. It does effect joy levels daily though. An overlay of fear squashes good feeling and engenders a sense of separation. That separation is a lie and is agony to live in a lie.

An opportunity. This agony of fear and anxiety. The courage of desperation. Pledge myself further and deeper. Notice and drop the fears. Trust. Over the edge of this fear into even greater trust is the opportunity.

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