It’s great to just dream experiences and get the lessons instead of having to live through the actual experience! Though actually at the time it feels completely real.
How is my response when I discover that I am being discussed negatively by others? Well I had a little helpful insight into that from a dream last night. I overheard M talking about me
Was a shock initially as I wasn’t supposed to be hearing it. And then sad to hear someone who knows me well talk like that about me. That’s it really. No fury, no urge to defend. Disappointed.
So to turn it around. What else am I being shown here? Where do I do this? And I do criticise others in my head and sometimes I talk about them negatively behind their back. Anything I judge as unconscious is fair game for bitching and complaining about!
How do I feel about that? It never feels quite right doing it. Jaggy. Separation. The ego likes it. It gets to feel separate and superior by discussing another’s alleged ‘faults’. There’s a dubious increase in alliance with whoever I’m saying it to. Another sort of ‘payoff’. Little games of trying to maintain a separation that doesn’t exist. So yes, these dreams have sure been useful and productive recently for tweezing out some hidden things.
I miss M. I feel the gap in my life left by his absence. I love him and enjoyed his company and saw him many times a week, often every day. And we would walk and explore in nature, have BBQs at the allotment, sit and say nothing, and have such wonderful deep conversations. And were so honest with each other. I’m happy with the distance there is now too though. He has become rabidly angry about the world since the Covid response and negatively reactive towards me when I don’t share his perspective. It’s way too disturbing to be around.
On a lighter note I got a warm response from Marc Leavitt. I am most cheered by this. I’ll have a another few sessions of bathing in his wide awake bright and bushy tailed wise company. I feel less alone being in contact with the few others I know into the Dzogchen life. Refuge of a sangha, a spiritual community of friends.
Oh I’ve got a ‘date’ with a stranger today in the park. I don’t have many hopes or fears I notice….nice to be meeting a new person though. I don’t even know if it’s a good/wise/valid/sensible idea me trying to find companionship at this point in my life. Let me investigate I’m thinking, propelled by feeling lonely. Then meeting P for our usual Friday coffee.