Some Anxiety


Being alive is so intense. How to be with it all.

So I’m the shower earlier and I notice I’m having some made up conversation with someone I’m going to meet later this week. Just bla bla nothing important. So I came back to smells, sounds, physical feeling and the Gayatri to give the mind something to do. Life happens right now as I keep reminding myself. Not filtered through my thinking!

I’m feeling distressed right now. The dog is in pain. She jumped into the boot of the car and sprained something I think. She hasn’t moved. Doesn’t want any attention, just lying looking sad. And whimpering if I touch her. Had to stay in yesterday mostly. Took her to the river but she ran away back to the car. Got a vet appointment for later.

I’m back in business related scarcity and fear now the luxury of a 3 month project is ending, and I have to find more work. The next one was put off till the end of summer. I know. That old story that keeps going round and round and round. Now awaiting answers from clients. And have another design to do. Which could be a big project. I have to do the work to make that happen. The men may not have anything to do in a week though.

It was wonderful to relax so much over this last period. So much joy and wonder could emerge that was held back by business anxiety. I had a taste of complete freedom nearly, financially and inside without anxiety of business pressing on me. To find that freedom from within the anxiety is the lesson I think.

So eventually after feeling anxiety for a few hours ……I drop into my body and say hello to the anxiety in my throat sitting there like a tight fist. I give it space. Imagine a rim of space around it. Nearly instantly it eases up and I feel I can breath.

My son was saying when he was here that he would be hospitalised by now if he had the pressure and responsibilities that I’ve got. That reminded me that I need to acknowledge that it is a lot for one person.

If I close the business how do I live, as in pay the £700 mortgage and the other bills?

£200 electricity and gas

£100 factor fees

£200 food.

£120 council tax

£50 phone

£100 car fuel

£50 Road tax and car insurance

This is the first I’ve actually written down my monthly expenses. £1520 a month. That’s £18,240 a year.

That’s a lot of counselling to do. I could build it up but to put that kind of pressure on counselling, something I’m loving as the money doesn’t matter just now. That’s 8 clients a week just to pay these bills. And I like letting go of clients when I feel the time is right. Would depending financially on them make me change that? Questions only answered by experience. Shut up head.

I can downsize the business again which is less pressure to find and complete projects.

Today I had a chat with a non-duality teacher in an hour, for support and maybe encouragement/reassurance. And yet she was 10 minutes late, yawned her way though it, and finished early. Wow. Life is telling me to stop seeking these people. I know what to do how to be. And do t have any questions really for them.

I had an estate agent come to value the flat today. He thought over £200k. Which is amazing considering I bought it for £125k just 4 years ago. Crazy market. Had a thought to move to one in the beloved park with an elevator for the dog. Dog going up these steps doesn’t work. I can play about with possibilities now.

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