Sitting outside after the vet with a couple of neighbours, kind people with such good hearts, and my concerned 79 year old mum too, a few tears arose about the potential hip problems the vet mentioned. My friend N had kindly come to the vets to hold my hand earlier.
It all really shook me up, the thought of the dogs early demise. If there really are hip issues she won’t last even though she is only 4. I found myself anticipating a loving bond prematurely ended, and even now that prospect brings tears. Especially in this raw vulnerable state I’ve been in lately where everything is so uncertain.
Today the lovely dog Elsa is back to herself though, and not in pain and I feel restored. The vet gave a pain injection.
A belief popped up from some past imprinting ‘you should know that this perfect dog, she was too good to be true for you. Anything that good doesn’t last and can’t be trusted’.
My mum also came up here for support and heard more about how I’ve lost all business related motivation. She said I’d been like this since I moved here 3 and a half years ago. So she got me to talk and go through my next steps and now there’s an unrolled plan on the drawing board. I really appreciated her help. It’s been like wading through treacle motivating myself.
Life’s choreography is taking place in a most perfect way despite my fears. One guy is off on annual leave. Another 2 about to go on paternity leave with a week or two. Another today just asked for 2 weeks. Another has taken 2 long 4 day weekends. They were all off for 2 days due to the heat. So a much reduced team. I don’t have to find work for 7 guys after all.
More proof that I can let go and trust. I don’t have control,over any of these emerging circumstances, I can just go with what arises and be present as much as I remember to be.
I was watching some people on YouTube talking about this stage feeling like a breakdown, that even friends were worried for them. One barely got out of bed for months. And they didn’t share what was really going on with many if any.
Who would understand the intense existential anxiety that comes from ego dissolution, realising that the identity we thought was us, isn’t and never was. The formless, substanceless-ness of who we really are is apparent and that takes the rug from under the whole game everyone is playing including ourselves.
The ground, the sky, the field of being within which it all arises, the aware spaciousness, that we are. No need to interfere. But by jolly it can be disorienting and terrifying. I’ve come this far though, and will persevere toward trusting and letting go. And accept there’s some disturbance involved to the old way and the new and always existing absorbs it all.
That non duality teacher I had the session with was really a lesson to show me I have no questions now. She could see that and had nothing to say to me. Allow, relax resistance is all.
I’m not seeking. I’m shedding untruths to reveal an unexpected spontaneous freedom that was always there, just hidden behind a self made identity. And the clinging returns and I worry and worry and worry. Like I’m half mad with worry. And the worry obscures the freedom already there. There’s nowhere to go, nothing to find. It’s here.
And compassion for us. It is in the biophysiology to assemble some idea of self, for orientation. That’s what we have been taught. And perhaps we have to build that ego in order to surrender it and dissolve it.
I’m going to make some organic porridge oats for grounding here!