Little Bit more Shadow work

Don’t be a zombie I heard as a reason for being mindful and present. And it made me laugh. That’s what it’s like going though life not paying attention to motives behind behaviour and responses, a zombie. I’m glad I live less on autopilot now.

The smallest interaction can yield such rich learning if I pause and reflect. Especially if I want to expose any defence reflexes of the ego. This is just a tiny one I’m about to tell you about, but I don’t want any of them to slip by my attention. They all count. And they all try and hide.

When I was with my client the other day and was leaving she showered me with compliments about how beautiful and shiny my hair is.

Im okay with compliments, a change from the previous behaviour of rejecting them. I notice they don’t mean much to me these days though. Yes I like my hair and it’s shiny. That’s nice you noticed.

‘What shampoo do you use?’ She asks. I had to think hmm. It’s a cheap one from Lidl I say.

I’m uncomfortable telling her that. Why?

Might that create a separation that she knows I shop in Lidl when I’m trying to building client rapport? Will I seem inferior? I want her to think money isn’t an object for me like it isn’t for her. Pride. Oh.

I quickly qualify it by saying that my hairdresser said the best shampoo for your hair is the cheapest. That’s true, but what an obvious catch by the pride to save face for the ego, argh. I didn’t have to say that. She said her hairdresser said the same.

I also remember that while sitting in her kitchen I noticed how beautiful her hair is and she is. And her massive house and her family and her wonderful marriage and how blessed her whole life is. I was feeling happy for her the whole time as we chatted about life, the world, her difficulties with stress and having to stop work, and also we talked about how immensely fortunate and very happy we both are too. There were many areas we connected.

I was also imagining what it must be like, to be in such a historical stunning house, to afford absolutely anything, to be surrounded by close family, to have such a successful business, the supportive dynamic husband and happy stable marriage. The stunning Porsche cars, the art. Wow, what would that be like? All that support, all that choice.

And I didn’t say anything about her beautiful hair, why? I almost always give a compliment if I think one.

Envy? Could be some there.

Though I wasn’t sitting there green with jealousy though or wasn’t coveting her life. More like enjoying it for her and pondering the ways I have withheld such abundance of love and wealth and support, and what would it be like to allow it. Allowing myself to roam in my imagination.

But as I’m observing all her abundance the last thing that occurs is to add to that abundance. She must know her hair is stunning. Kind of the same way people nearly never say well done to me as they think I’m so confident I don’t need to hear it.

Just for the record, I notice daily my perfect life. Even though I live like a tinker walking about the woods in my wellies walking around like a smiling idiot in complete freedom.

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