I’m feeling quite a bit lost and motiveless today with nothing arising inside to prompt in any particular direction of activity except to lie down here on the sofa. Not even to the park right now.
And in jumps a judging thought that I should do something, anything…. yet the body wants to rest. It’s Saturday morning. The house is quiet, dog sleeping. And a ‘storm’ of people and social activity is about to arrive in my life from tomorrow for 10 days that I feel ambiguous about.
Couple,of extra pounds heavier this week. All the cake I’ve been enjoying eating! what is that about. I maybe clinging to comforting things while out to sea with a dissolving sense of identity and self. Yes clinging to comforting things. Cake, ice cream, strawberries and cream, porridge. It’s not what the body wants which is mainly just fruit. Taking note.
Nothing much seems to happen and yet a lot also seems to happen. Yesterday I had a walk in the pine trees alone, past the beautiful horses, off the trail through deep bracken, jumped several deep ditches and was submerged in the greenery in the sparkling sunshine. Lost in the world of nature.
Some chit chat with tourists, then met some of the family. It was an unusually social day. I spent time with my mum and 2 lovely elderly Canadian cousins in the park, and took them along the river and we had lunch. All very pleasant indeed. God they are so conventional though!
It is like a different planet they are on. He is ex military. They completely trust authority figures of all kinds, health, political, respect rules, don’t question them at all, believe what they hear and read in the news. And I hear that their schools are not even back due to covid over there in Toronto! Wild. It’s is interesting to be reminded how most people live and perceive.
Covid is surging here again. One in 15 have it where I am. I expect I’ll get it at some point too, and deal with that when and if it happens. Though my lifestyle is outdoors and solo mostly. Glad I can be unvaccinated in this country and not hassled in any way about that in comparison to some countries.
I really feel so grateful I live in my own little world here away from the opinions and rules and pressures of others. Outside in my wellies wondering around looking at flowers, and sitting about. Yes I still pay my taxes and abide by the law etc but more or less it’s anarchy, peace and freedom.
Then I had a battle with a sprinkler system I was adjusting on a project we are doing. I got so soaking wet. The guys had left without watering it due to the sun. It was quite fun for an hour. I gave them all an extra £100 as a thanks this week, and M got £200, since he’s the foreman. They were so grateful. These men live on such little money, though well paid for the industry standard.
I had a notion to get some cooked chicken and couldn’t eat a bit, it was fully disgustingly inedible. The dog was happy to eat it. Something is changing with me food wise. Can’t stand meat much at all. I seem to want only fruit mostly, veg soup and some cake. Do these inner changes create a change in food preferences? Like the way I can’t stand alcohol too now? Can’t stand bread, rice pasta either, or anything processed. I dont know, perhaps.
Then an evening on Zoom with my therapist pals E and S which was just delightful. Wide ranging conversation and can be myself with them, and same with them I think. And yet, also very trusting of authority and conventional. I told them I thought the vaccines don’t work and were a money making enterprise recklessly produced and mandated without proper safety trials. They laugh, that’s ridiculous to them. I remind them Fauci told everyone that if you get the vaccine you won’t catch covid.
Calm before the social storm today. Tomorrow my son arrives for 10 days, sister and daughter arrive for the uncle’s wedding on Thursday then 4 days away with the family and friends in the Lake District. Daunting prospect somewhat, but I’m going with it.
Just want to talk this out. Food. I want to listen more and be sensitive to what is being asked for by the body . What the body really wants right now. Is not to have any feeling of fullness. It wants lightness. The energy of receptivity and sensitivity that comes from not feeling full.
Strawberries, raspberries, apples, mango, banana, grapes. Vegetarian soup. Tea. Multigrain unsweetened oat cakes. Tiny bit of cheese. Tea with low fat milk. A little yogurt. Tomatoes.
What I’m eating for comfort my body isn’t really wanting.
Cakes, flapjacks, biscuits, porridge, sweets. Croissants, pastries. Ice cream. Lemonade. Bread. Multigrain protein bars.
The later I’m using as a reward, a treat to ground my body in this emptiness the ego hates. I know I sound a bit mad. I want to align with the inner promptings. The ego immediately feels deprived and increases the desire for the reward foods, the sugar.
What I’m not eating any more the body is rejecting that I used to like. Spaghetti bolognaise, steak pie, roast chicken, steak, salmon. Alcohol of any kind. Bread. Potatoes.
I keep on trying things I like – like Indian take away food, kormas and Chinese food and dislike it all. Nothing tastes the same.
Seem to be becoming less socially available for activities such as meals out or family meals. I’m only going to this wedding and this country house gathering out of social pressure. Gotto get with this isolation thing and stop trying to fit in, it could be time to become even less available.
Learning to Rest with it All 