Diary entry – a Monday

Yesterday was another ordinary and extraordinary day. It’s always both. I definitely can’t be accused of not having an intensely lived inner life as I learn to surf infinity!

Some outdoor work with the men, and some lovely interaction and chat, hearing about their lives and their views. 2 still off with covid. Slowing the progress but I only mention that to note to myself that I don’t have an iota of concern about it. It just is.

Then to the park and up the river through long grass, wildflowers and birds and rain and sunshine. An ice cream and a lemonade at the cafe, a chat with some Hungarians and then home. Back here and I lie down at 3pm and unexpectedly fall into a deep sleep till 4.30. No idea why.

After I lay there on the sofa reading and listening and studying till 7 and go out to the park again with the dog. Find my setting sun spot by the river to sit with the sun in my face for a while. Then the dog wants a walk. We go down to the stony beach by the river and I paddle with her in my wellies.

I then meet an old face from 40 years ago. We go sit on a bench and he shares a lot. I can see a chaotic history and a rough childhood in there and that life has been rough for him. He tells me about his 18 year old daughter committing suicide 3 years ago, and now he drinks more. He loves nature and cycling in the park and that helps heal.

Then I come back here and I don’t go to sleep till 11.30 after that sleep.

Today I have a therapy client shortly, then a walk and then I have quite an important costing task for a big project to prepare for a meeting with the clients tomorrow. Normally I’d be experiencing anxiety about this and I’m not. It’s not an issue. Taking note of that.

Nothing much is an issue at the moment. Not even the noises upstairs still. I know I keep mentioning that, it has been a challenging one for me. And I writhed about in such an agony of irritation for a long time about it. To now have such previously unwanted unpleasant noise and to find it no longer unpleasant and no longer unwanted. At the moment it feels quite exciting when I notice it. There is some remnant of old reactiveness that tries to raise its head, but I just say okay hello. Drop.

Haven’t done a gratitude list for a while.

A few things I’m grateful for right now

  • The room is warm, and quiet and peaceful
  • It’s pouring outside and I’m inside and dry!
  • This is a comfy seat. It’s also a bonus is that it’s been around since childhood, I appreciate that continuity and history.
  • I feel safe and healthy. And I’m learning to feel safer all the time as the old conditioning dissolves.
  • The way this life is unfolding is super interesting and more exciting than I imagined possible.
  • It’s so enjoyable to have a kinder relationship with everyone including myself
  • Living is getting easier, as I resist it all less and less. So very glad to be learning to relax with it all, to recognise the inner contractions
  • I have so much freedom every day of my life. I go where I want, do what I want, eat what I want. And also ironically I want less and less.
  • The accessibility of nature and the 360 acre wooded park across the road. What an immense gift. I feel such appreciation for the abundance of wildlife there.
  • I’m happier than I ever thought possible. I’m more able, and less afraid to deal with anger, fear and sadness
  • Appreciation for the smallest things is becoming more apparent
  • Love that interest in unhealthy habits seems to drop away by itself
  • I sleep well and feel restored
  • I appreciate and live in the present moment more than ever before
  • This beautiful loving dog who is a great pal
  • Really enjoy knowing my son, and our relationship is really good
  • This flat I live in with trees out of every window and no buildings
  • The lovely people I interact with daily, strangers and friends and employees and clients.
  • Having such knowledge and wisdom at our fingertips on the internet and learning continuously
  • Not believing I have to get anywhere better now
  • Appreciate my little allotment garden, a relatively private space to grow flowers and vegetables and welcome wildlife.
  • The way that truth is emerging in a way my mind cannot grasp, that’s been a super bonus mystery

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