Noticing and Dissolving Fears

Some fear and dread appeared again this morning, I could feel the sensation of the constriction in the throat and chest. Again on awakening out of a dream the thoughts jumped me. I sat up and breathed and sent some permission to the feelings to be there, some space for them to occupy. Without adding more of a thought story to them of course!

They do dissolve by themselves after a while of giving them space. Not if we are trying to get rid of them though, that is just part of a contraction energy. We have to relax out rather than pull away.

It’s totally understandable that the body gets onto alert mode when we believe in a projected future of something bad happening that the thoughts have conjured up, the body wants to brace itself against the pain of that. But it’s only imagination! And the body reacts as if it’s really happening right now.

To break the thought stream that has become ‘sticky’ I sometimes use a mantra or prayer these days. Like the Gayatri Mantra I memorised a long time ago. That breaks the spell of the thought stream and realigns our attention elsewhere. One can use the senses to. What do I see? What do I hear right now?

I’m not so often getting involved with trying to rationalise my way out of a fearful thought these days. It’s mostly just the same old, same old stories.

What if this, what if that. Today it was “What if this meeting doesn’t go well, what if you mess up, you don’t have much time to prepare, what if you don’t line the next job up, what if what if….

So back to what is happening in this very moment.

Where life really happens.

I notice the bin needs emptied and I take it out and I enjoy doing that. On the way back in I notice my plants in the landing are looking neglected so I take them into the shower and give them a good clean and water, wipe the plant stand down. Little things done with care and love in the moment, and happier plants.

Life is full of little things, and being fully present to them is always an option and an opportunity for savouring. I have a shower and wash my hair. I thank my arms and shoulders, my head and face and the rest of my body.when thoughts come in I focus on the sounds and smells and sensations. And breath.

No rush.

Sitting back here I hear the morning traffic start, the sound of the heating going on, the fridge humming. I feel my weight on the chair. I breath in this moment. I am safe and all is well. Is perfection actually. Nothing needs to be added. It’s enough just as it is.

Yesterday an early session with a client. She has made huge and wonderful changes in her life in the last 6 months and is in a happy place. It was beautiful and profound to be part of this journey from her experiencing daily extreme distress to now joyful living.

She made courageous leaps of trust and faith and now has a new job in loving supportive surroundings away from the bully that previously tormented her. I suggest we finish for the summer, and she thanks me deeply. I thank her for sharing her journey with me. Love.

Then a walk in the beautiful pouring rain under a big umbrella, a splash in the water in wellies with the dog, a sit on the river bank watching the drops on the river surface. The fresh smells. A lunch of soup and cake and lemonade. And home to prepare a costing for this morning’s meeting. Some hours doing that, connecting with suppliers, choosing materials, making changes, some not available, supply chain very messed up these days. I’m calm and happy doing this. I feel the progress of it.

Then it’s a rest and waiting out the rain till it clears and an evening walk with E with whom I have the deepest heart felt sharing conversations. The rare kind I love the most. We walk and sit and walk and sit in different places. And I drop him off and come home.

A perfect day.

Though I’m increasingly uneasy about what I’m doing with my time here indoors. The amount of screen time, it’s a lot and it’s not feeling right.

The intense seeking energy has stalled for now and I don’t know what to look up in the internet. Yes I still enjoy the odd spiritual talk, not so much at the moment though. So I look up rubbishy stuff. What people are doing and saying on Facebook. Bit of the dreaded news which is like some attraction to self torture. What do I care what’s going on out there? I don’t. Not much mostly anyway. I don’t really have opinions these days so nothing to confirm or deny my views is there.

One we did a few years ago.
Planning something similar for the client I’m seeing today

So I bought some play dough. I think it’s time to get more physical in this time alone in the apartment. I don’t know what that will look like but I’ll start something anyway. What could I do?

Start drawing. I do have an untapped talent for that and got ‘A’ s in art though never understood the point. Maybe it’s different now. My job is drawing too of a different kind though still creative.

Paper mache I used to enjoy, maybe look up what others are doing to get inspiration

Ceramics I love, though is messy and requires equipment I think, will ponder that

Singing. I’m doing more of that spontaneously recently to the dog and it feels good. Could I join a class maybe?

Dancing. I do that when the mood takes me, though I’ve been enjoying silence rather than music recently.

Meditation or just sitting staring. That isn’t such a scary daunting prospect now.

Take on more therapy clients. I await the energy impetus for that and guidance for the course of action if that is what’s supported

Any suggestions of non screen activities are most welcome. What do you do when not on the internet?!

It seems that it time to move away from this cerebral intake of huge amounts of information

I’m feeling love right now.

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