This experiment is painful and Yet I’m enjoying playing the game of it, it could at a stretch be called a sort of fun. I feel different. I’m not scared of experiencing the disturbing feelings so much.
“Hand it over, breath, relax, hand it over, breath, relax, hand it over. This is good practise. You can’t behave like a victim of other people causing you disturbing feelings any more. They are not guilty of anything, they are just getting on with their lives, and it’s not a personal attack on you. It’s clear you’re causing yourself the painful emotions and keeping it going with your thoughts.”
So yeah. I surrender my resistance, bit by bit, day by day. Let’s see where this goes. Could there possibly be a day when I don’t respond with distress to noises? Already I’m taking the daily ones upstairs more in my stride. It was terrifying at first, now it’s just practice.
I notice that eating habits have changed, I seem to want few carbs. 3 pounds off in as many days. Had no energy at all so slept, from 7.30pm to 5am. How odd and it’s fine. Only managed one woodland walk and a short one. The dog was accepting 🙂
Yesterday the surrender experiment went fine, I wasn’t around for the 3 main bouts of squeaking/banging from upstairs, but handled some minor ones that I was here for just fine. Watched the searing irritation, sat back….(oh ouch it’s horrible). Handed that hissing spitting ego response up and over as some sort of offering to I don’t know. A demonstration of devotion to the truth ritual. I’ll just keep on with that.
Business seems to be moving along fine despite the earthquake I’ve given to my ego, the part that thinks it needs everything exactly as it wishes for me to feel fine. It’s not getting its way so much now.
I’ve been organising the end of one construction project, arranging a one week job for next week, and also the 4 month one starting in 2 weeks. Always a bit of a nervy time when these transitions come. Lots of managing, machines, materials, staff..going to the plant nursery on Saturday. Watching the anxiety fits arise, and trying to remember to hand them up and relax in time.
And today I have had a 3 mile cycle in the park and 2 therapy clients on zoom, ones I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now. One is getting the specific help asked for and the other, well. This client is waist deep in the hell of self hatred. This is no easy matter to ease oneself into considering that life could be different and I’m treading gently. Introducing this new land of the possibility of being kind to oneself.
All good, feeling chirpy and optimistic. And unusually private.