Largely as a result of taking my ego on, taking a stand and not adjusting the world to make it feel okay. Being okay with not being okay.
Each day the banging starts in the flat above (at certain times which has been a gift at these early stages, giving me time to prepare) and I actually have been turning the radio off so that I can use the experience to face the disturbing feeling and sensations.
How about that. From compulsively putting the radio on a couple of weeks ago so I don’t hear the noises and have to feel the disturbing emotions I have in response, to turning it off and welcoming the opportunity.
The ego highly objects to the noise. ‘This should not be happening’ it yells. ‘They shouldn’t be making that noise’. Yet the noise happens. Fight or flight sensations arrive. I sit back and breath, and experience the anger, the repeated temptations of the thoughts about ‘solving’ the not feeling okay emotions. I witness and I experience them at the same time. I relax with what is happening as best I can.
I have hope and a way through now, and I’m basking in the relief and gratitude that I have a worthy mission every minute of every day. Taming the lower self and sitting deeply into the saddle of the part of us that feels okay all the time.
The energy level is up. Not physical energy, that has been floored recently, not sure why. But fizzling fine high frequency vibrations are felt. I stood by the rivers edge today. Feeling that energy, breathing into it, allowing it and the whole organism accommodate it.
Anxiety arises often and I hug it. Like a compassionate parent. It’s been a while since I’ve felt overwhelmed by it. I’m remembering to breathe from my stomach often, and steadily. That helps a lot. In the through the nose and out through the mouth. I continually bring myself back to what is happening right this second, what can I see, smell, feel, hear. Out of the mind and back to now.
I look back at the long anxiety filled days even just a few weeks ago. Maybe this is just a temporary reprieve, the wheel does keep turning. I’m enjoying this space left by fear’s absence, what a joy not to be plagued by anxiety. So anxious at times, the reeling mind spinning…I couldn’t even enjoy being in the woods some days it was so strong.
So now, a new sense of freedom has arrived. Gently easing into it. Ready for more opportunities to practice. Up for it instead of terrified of hearing a noise that can shatter my peace. Loving this right now.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
~Victor Frankl
Learning to Rest with it All 