Some fearful thoughts returned last night. Woke up a couple of times and it was communicated that I should be scared. That it can’t really be this good and easy, that I’m missing something that I should be worrying about. Doubt whisperings.
I believed it. I seem to be more vulnerable at that time of night. So I had a tinge of disquiet, and felt a slight anxiety. I lay like that for a while then put my hand on my heart and said a few kind comforting words to myself, ‘I love you I’m here for you, you’re not alone, you’re safe.’
The anxiety appeared within a greater calm spaciousness. That’s interesting in itself. Often it arrives and elbows out all well-being.
As well-being, stability and joy appear, so an old fear about allowing that arrived.
Why does this keep happening? It’s a physical response of the nervous system which is conditioned by trauma experiences for vigilance, even hyper vigilance earlier on in life. So any time I relax more, a sense of danger arrives.
It’s a story about my conditioning that I’ve repeated often here as it keeps recurring as I feel more at ease with myself and with life.
What else is there to do other than persevere. Keep relaxing. Use the tools of self care – kind self talk, the power of touch, breathing properly, being in nature, light exercise, healthy eating.
My son came on and asked where I am between 1 and 10 on the happiness scale on average. I said 7 and asked him.
He said “I’d say for me it’s like 3-5 depending on the day, probably 4 on average rn…”
All I said in response is ‘Good you’re digging deeper’.
I suppose that may have brought with it an air of concern….
3-5 is low happiness. I felt a strong wave of sadness. I can’t imagine how hard that is living at 3-5. One part of me wants him of course to be as happy as can be. Get a partner, have an enjoyable career and maybe a kid or two. Go holidays, have dinner parties.
Yet the real me wants whatever life gives him to deepen his relationship with the real and the true. I know what it has taken to get me to alter my priorities and I was quite a devotee already.
It is often our unhappiness and pain that makes us to go deeper, so this is where as a parent one has to sit back and trust that all is unfolding as it will. There’s a point at which we can do very little as a parent to have much effect. We can be there for them. Let them know we love them, support when asked.
I’m actually having tea with caffeine this morning, after sleeping for a ridiculously long period…nearly 9 hours. Got up at 6am and went to the living room sofa and could hardly move, I was so deeply tired. Right down to the cells it feels.
Now I’m up I’m having some tea with caffeine to check it’s not just a withdrawal as I went from a lot of tea and red bulls daily, to zero and mint tea. This fatigue is still here. I’m assuming it’s something to do with the inner surrender process going on.
I’ve paid the guys, and have been out round the block with the dog. I’m talking to myself here. This solitude makes me chit chatty on here, the personality doesn’t quite know what to do with this contentment. today I’ll do some designing. I’ve got an invite to see the garden of an old client. It’s a job I turned down but he thought I might want to see it. It’s a lovely arts and crafts country estate so I may just go and do that this afternoon.
What an interesting experiment for ourselves we all are.
Learning to Rest with it All 