The fleeting nature of it all, and to be here for, and with, and in all this range of flavours of moments. Is so lovely and heart warming, and also so disturbing and terrifying at times too.
To be fully present in some of these moments can be difficult and painful. Disturbed emotions can be stirred up by such small events triggering the painful sensations of exiled vulnerable feelings. Often just rejecting the moment as it is, is painful in it itself. That resistance to what is already happening. It’s happening and I say I don’t like this, I don’t want this, I want something else. Yet this thing is already happening. Is being experienced. That hurts, to be in direct opposition to what is.
Again a night of scraping, banging, thumping, stomping footsteps, creaking through the early hours and waking me every few hours. Takes them each about 15 minutes across the bare uneven floorboards with their walkers to get to the toilet from their rooms. Then 5 or 10 in the toilet then another 15 minutes of the noises back to bed. And the son gets up and accompanies them too. It’s all pretty odd.
And what an opportunity – I recognise that. I’d not choose to put myself in circumstances that evoke such a disturbed emotional response so to have it thrust upon me. And for them to be such vulnerable ailing people that I can’t ‘shout’ or complain at….
So I get to be with my disturbed feelings intimately. I welcome that. And I probably did choose it. Well I’m choosing to be here every day I suppose….
Even with earplugs in I wake up. Much of the time it’s just what is happening, sounds I don’t take personally. Because they are not. But at least once or twice I tighten up inside and resist and don’t want what is happening to be occurring. Yet it is. I’m in opposition and it’s painful and I want it to stop and to be replaced by silence and yet it’s not going away, it’s here. The sleep score on the Fitbit was 89 and I slept for 7.5 hours. So that is all good.
Reflections form the trip away…..I experienced how uncomfortably vulnerable I feel at times when I was away. Exposed. Also how comfortably vulnerable I also felt too, just sitting there for hours being with people. I notice I didn’t mind joining in the Scottish dancing, usually I don’t like it.
To meet a procession of people, it had me reflecting on how they might be experiencing me, and that was uncomfortable. Not because anything negative came up, purely the self consciousness of that act of reflecting back and thinking about myself and how I am experienced by others.
It occurred at one point something I already know, that I’m no longer attractive. I felt sad when I thought that, it’s true though. While I’ve been getting used to that for a long time, yet still a little sadness, it was a part of who I am to be a bit good looking. Seeing all those faces from the past, reminded me of an aspect I had hung some of my identity on. It was painful being critical like this with myself, moving away for a few minutes from self acceptance.
I am delighted with how I look incidentally for a 58 year old. All people go through this I think as they get older, to be surrounded by younger and younger layers of people till you are often the oldest in the company. Then a little bit of comparison creeps in at times…you get used to it though.
Also on the trip, the silence. The background of utter peaceful silence was so noticeable. Compared to here which is relatively quiet for a city spot. But right now there’s traffic, and some kind of abrasive saw going…I’m used to it, though the silence in the countryside was deeply penetrating.
Yesterday I rested a lot. Deeply tired. Morning laying on the sofa. Then a meeting with a garden client and brought coffee and pastries to the men at 12, then to the rivers edge. And a lie under a tree, and I stayed for an hour just being surrounded by nature. A nothing to do and nowhere to go atmosphere.
Then to my old park and the Edwardian Tearoom. Thought I should eat some veg soup for the sake of my health, as I’m not eating much just now. Partly because I have an under on my tongue from taking too much lactose in while I was away. Had some soup, and orange juice. N arrived and we had a pleasant enough but bit boring chat about our recent excursions. Noticed the high level of insecurity and it’s masking. See it a lot more now around me, and in me too.
Eating less partly an energetic changes inside thing too. Notice I’m drinking peppermint tea all this morning, that’s unheard of. I’m normally right in there to the caffeine. The body is asking for different things to consume and I’m listening.
Then back here to a therapy client. Bed at 9, asleep in 20 minutes. This morning I have a therapy client in an hour, then nothing I need to do till the next one at 5pm. I do have 2 gardens to design when I feel like it. Could do that as well as a nature walk….
Even though everything is mostly smoothness just now,mom still making a point of putting my hand on my heart and saying I love you, I’m here for you, you’re safe or some such phrases of love and well wishes. It feels very beautiful even amid a time when I don’t feel needy for it. Just different. I’m not bouncing out the door again this morning, heading to the sofa for another lie down. Just taking note, as part of the documentation of this process.