In bed here at 6am, warm, comfy, safe and savouring. It’s nearly silent. Odd chirp from a bird. A big rain has come and gone in the night.
Appreciation and gratitude. This precious moment – this is it, my whole life is this here right now. What an age it has taken to get properly acquainted with this fact, to reduce the resistance to it. The idea I can somehow magic up a better than this experience by living in my minds imagination and projection into the future. Such a lot of squirming away from the moment, almost anything but being here in this ordinary and magnificence presence of being here and now. It’s interesting to observe the contrast.
New therapy client yesterday – a meditator with some self awareness awareness, and some conditioned patterns and beliefs to deal with, a lovely joy of a girl and I noticed that I was able to say a lot already.
Then to the allotment for a couple of hours. did some weeding and planting, fed the birds. Lost so many plants last winter, perhaps half of them….taking me a while to get my enthusiasm back. I suppose I’m feeling pretty tired in general too, so things are more of an effort. Lot of resting went on and reading from the Voice of the Silence from the 1800s. A theosophical though perhaps written in an attempt to upstage Light on the Path by Mabel Collins whom she envied.
My difficulties with having friendships, talking of envy. I’ve been lightly pondering this, wondering why I pull away inside from others. There’s all sorts of reasons but envy is in there. My sister had it bad though miles less so now she is happier in herself. Maybe it’s even gone. One friend is envious and competitive and I’d like to be free from that, it’s been a burden like a yoke. Having insecure people as friends is really tricky. Poisonous actually. I see how I dance and hop over the coals set out before me. I’ve had enough of that.
And there’s new emerging possible friendships like with M, which I’m starting out on an honest footing. For example, she wanted to come over to the allotment and I said not to bring her dog if she does (she didn’t come). Last time I found it very stressful having her dog barking loudly at people nearby or passing. One barking dog is hard enough. It’s so unfriendly to other members and I don’t like it.
That small event returned to my mind a few times. Why? It didn’t need to be given it another even tiniest of glances. Don’t bring your barking dog, simple.
Perhaps wanting something different from another’s wishes, and the fact it’s a little clash of wants. Perhaps the risk of offending or upsetting another by asserting what I want above what they want. Perhaps even just asserting what I want – yes that’s actually a little contraction taking place even thinking about that. Is it a doubt that I have a right to do that. Of course I do. Is it a cowardice present about making a decision and taking the consequences. Fear of offending. It was interesting for me to watch my response to it.
I’ve been saying ‘no’ more than usual recently and it’s increasing. No to social interactions, and more no saying to business clients. I rarely ever answer the phone and I’ve become less available in general….and it has happened quite organically as I’ve learned to treasure my energy and economise. I don’t need to please everyone all the time. Not that I’m in huge demand or anything, and I’m not exactly a ‘life and soul of the party’ type to know. I don’t even like humour. I’m laughing here. I really am a very boring person who only likes talking about one or two specific topics and nothing much else. I’m happy to be this person. So nice to be able to say that. I do find most people very boring though. Not them, but what they like to talk about. Too much factual pointless detail usually.
What do I like talking and hearing about?
– When people tell me something they have learned about themselves, an experience that has taught them something, when they have had a breakthrough of understanding is my favourite reported experience from others to listen to. Anything about progress, inner or outer I like even material progress. Or with therapy clients when they are open to realising new insights about themselves
– An exploratory conversation about the nature of something I want to know more about. It could be theoretical, non personal to the speaker about any human behaviour, emotion or response or inner potential. It can also be quantum physics or artificial intelligence or culture issues. Especially like where these things join with deeper spiritual areas.
– I can listen for a while when it’s a fact subject that is of interest, like something historical perhaps or a thought out viewpoint on something. Or a personal challenge or difficulty someone is struggling through and wants to just let out and express about. Like E and his friend who was dying then after the death. Topics when people are willing to be that real and honest.
What I don’t have an attention span for is day to day details, inconsequential chat about other people. And that’s most of the chat going. It’s tortuous to me to be pinned with someone talking detail at me. I then try and pretend to be interested to be polite and not hurt feelings but it’s hard to disguise the disinterest.
Some sort of critical mass happened yesterday when this smooth harmonious flow and the ongoing nature of it became heavy. Maybe like a ship without enough ballast. Heavy feeling in the chest.
Then my head began turning to sources of difficulty or challenges or conflict with others as a topic. It was starting, and wanted fed with something to think about. All that nothingness was making it queasy and restless. It’s true that relationships are an area of curiosity and curious challenge to me too. So it makes sense the mind went there.
I would like to examine this critical approach I have to other at times. I can be mean and nasty in my head about them. I don’t know if it’s perhaps wrapped up in experiences, samskaras from past hurts and disappointments. People have been the source of such pain. As well as miracles of beauty and love too.
It’s also a characteristic of idealist types like me, an ENFP. We are always looking for the potential in people and in ourselves and this can result in noticing where we all fall short of that. We are also acutely aware of the motive of ourselves and others and so that can be uncomfortable to see and cause us to recoil. Till we remember that it’s all coming from love one way or another.
Meantime to remind myself that I’m only seeing the temporary clothing, and the avatar of a powerful being who is me. Still, we have to navigate with one another.
Going gardening helped. Too tired to even plant them all. So little energy. Went for a very little walk after too by the river, and dog got a dip. Back here for a glorious whole evening of relaxation. And managed to keep myself from having a nap.
I’m packed ready to head off for the long winding journey over hills and around lochs to Ardfern.
Learning to Rest with it All 