Inner Spaciousness

The robovac is humming away in the background. I find myself talking to it when it gets stuck and untangle it. Very grateful to it, and it’s a valued member of the household. Talking of things, I’ve just bought a blue tooth speaker which arrives today, a birthday present with my mum’s money, and a back up battery for charging.

Life is still peachy calm just now. I feel relatively free with a lot of space inside to really occupy fully. This space makes it so clear when I have emotions and thoughts and increases my ability to be with them as they are. This is what life is like without worry, this spaciousness. There’s singing occurring all by itself quite often. Even in company too.

In this space it’s easier to reduce any inner rushing to a tortoise pace, to rove around slowly and freely and observe inside responses, recapitulate memories as required and soberly. I can give much more space and feel into others. I can sit in silence easier and be bored or whatever is being experienced.

Day to day practical life goes on. Though a little reduced. Essentials only mostly. Clients being interacted with. The project is being built, money is coming in. A new design arrived yesterday for me to do. Invoices go to the accountant and get paid. Therapy client yesterday went so very well. Some practical things are sliding though I notice, and that’s okay too. Tomorrow before I go away for a couple of days may be the day to attend to admin tasks.

Then a conversation via WhatsApp with my son which went on for a few hours. This brought immense peace. Why? He was pondering on the nature of the self. What a topic of topics for a 30 year old to be considering. Ive been waiting for this it seems, for him to break through to a deeper level. He has been assembling all the parts…I’ll post the discussion separately.

In between a lunch visit to U’s with S. which was pleasant if a little strained for me. U has serious dementia now so it’s an odd circular roundabout conversations. Also notice I feel uncomfortable with the railroading that happens with ancient friendship encounters. Nobody’s fault, it’s just well worn neural pathways of expected responses. A beautiful plant present from S. that’s 3 plants for my birthday I got!

Then to paradise along the river. Dog dip in water to cool off and drink, and into woodlands and an hour and a half of slow walking and being and observing and smelling and hearing and sitting being with cows.

The crow arrived as soon as I returned to accompany me for the last part of the journey to the cafe. What an exquisite experience that is. And I arrive in such style with a dog and a crow and find N and M there. I have soup and we have a walk. It’s a bit hard to navigate, there’s their dynamic, lot of detailed chat asking for my attention. I look at the trees instead as I listen, I just cannot concentrate on that chat and resist attention held captive.

Aware that’s unfair as I have my times of needing to spill in detail to this very person an experience in the past. I feel guilt and notice and that’s okay. I feel bored and notice and that’s okay. There’s love too, for these beautiful kind loving people who I’m honoured to share space and time with.

Then home to a therapy client. That was fine…I don’t know how much use I am being – I do what I can. Elderly lady with medical issues, who just wants an understanding friendly ear.

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