Bumpy Start

I’ve got a crow pal who has befriended me in the park. Recognisable by a few white feathers. As soon as I arrive it comes to me and waits to be fed. Yesterday it followed me to the cafe where I collect a parking ticket, then back to the car and then back to the cafe. Then followed me over the old stone bridge too. How charming.

This is such a valuable talk by Eckhart Tolle about how emotional fear causes fearful thoughts and the vicious circle that builds up with the thoughts then creating more fearful emotion which then feeds more thoughts.

He suggests a process of alchemy – that by placing attention on the painful emotion itself, which while unpleasant is not harmful, transforms it. An acceptance and surrender which becomes the spiritual teaching. Exactly this message has been arriving from several avenues, from Michael Singer and Tsoknyi Rinpoche. I feel so grateful for this.

It’s been a bumpy morning emotionally so this input is especially welcome. I was having disturbed dreams about my son in pain and something else about possession by demons and my ex was in the dream being evil.

I don’t believe in things like demons, yet I recognise that there can be levels of past pain in some people which can lead to them behaving as if they were possessed by demons and even makes some of them want to bring suffering to others. Myself included. This reminds me of the old theosophical initiation levels. Anything below level 4 was basically possessed, and only after the purification of level 4 is one totally clear and fully reliable. Equivalent to enlightenment probably.

I suppose that’s been pretty central to my whole endeavour here of becoming conscious, so that I can be as reliable as possible. In the sense of a consistent unconditional loving approach, never contracting away. Not finding myself ever withdrawing that love due to a person purposefully or inadvertently pressing trigger points of old stored up pain. As if we are all in training to become fully reliable leaders. That is not true necessarily and I have no interest in becoming a leader, but I like the framework of thinking of us like that.

Had a potent and emotional session with a therapy client in the morning, some tears as she connected with the feeling sense of the experiences with her husband. The more I allow myself to be with the painful emotions I experience in the body, the more I can facilitate the healing of my clients.

Then to Edinburgh in the hired car and a long session with the client and the men there. She was a bit annoyed about this and that, that’s okay. It’s looking pretty great. And there’s still white Lutyens benches to arrive for each end and a beautiful sculpture too. It was a deep session too, lot of self awareness chat with her. and back here exhausted, and then our Eckhart Tolle book group with the same client and her friend. For another in depth session, very potent and connected.

Today it’s a therapy client, then to drop off the hired car and pick up mine from the garage, helped by a lift from N. Supposed to be fitting P into the equation too, which I feel ambivalent about. Another one who has tried to shame me for some of my perspectives and views.

On Tuesday it was particularly annoying as my friend J wanted to talk of his love for his adolescent boy who wants to be a girl and the distress and confusion about how best to be with it to support him. I feel for these parents in this predicament and there’s more and more of them….I started by saying to call him what he wants to be called pronoun wise but he said the boy will always be that to him….that it doesn’t change reality. I agreed, but we don’t have to hurt peoples feelings or alienate them….And my other friend E decided to have a go at me.

Yes I’m getting push back on several fronts. I do not fit into this dominant social paradigm of beliefs in many areas.

I think the covid vaccine was unnecessary for all but the oldest and most infirm and was/is possibly dangerous to more people than is being admitted. I think the lockdowns and other measures could have cost more lives than covid itself and the damage is still being felt and will be for some time. I think many of these measures were an ill considered mass hysteria response and there’s should have been more of cost benefit analysis and debate. For starters. People can’t change their biological sex, it’s binary, end of. Identify with what you want, cool with that, but nope to men in women and girl only spaces including sports. I see a guy calling himself a woman just won another record breaking women’s race the other day….every other day now. When will this madness end, will it end, where are they going to take it next….it’s already being embedded in law.

I have found myself to be an outlier. Maybe I’m used to that though. I think madness pervades society at this time. It is not easy to stand outside it and know that it’s all me too, I’m a part of this madness. I just stay quiet and keep my own counsel for the most part and don’t offer my opinions and views. Who cares anyway. But in socialising that’s what people like to chat about and I get drawn in at times. And my ego sure likes it’s opinion stating.

None of this feels good though. It is not happy making holding these views and this makes me wonder and question if it’s just simply ‘wrong focus’ and perhaps I can drop all opinions like a hot potato. I don’t need any opinions to bolster an identity I don’t even believe is real anyway!

And yes I’d love to be joining in and have the belonging-needs met by being part of the greater grouping of society I live in.

I don’t even like holding fixed views on things, and prefer a fluid flowing learning expansiveness of ever inclusive and loosening of all fixed rigid opinions. I remain open to any fixed positions being dissolved in a greater truth.

The iChing says about this “We often feel more severely judged when we are judging others. If we can celebrate the joyful quirkiness in others, we are more fearless in expressing our eccentricities. The situation can only thrive if everyone is allowed to be themselves. Perhaps the opposition you feel has roots in your own judgment of others.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s