After a few days of a smooth consistency of experiencing, mostly a feeling of spaciousness, just wandering around in nature, reading, chatting….I seem to have started expecting life to just be this way. Whatever the norm is for a day or two becomes an expectation. Things are smooth just now and I can expect that, or things are angsty right now and I can expect that….the mind wants to predict, it wants certainty.
The attractive idea of something fixed and predictable about the lived experience keeps wanting to form. It doesn’t work within this changing flux of experience in the raw though. Which is pretty wildly unpredictable. Always something completely unimaginably new right round the corner. A new flavour of everything. There’s no footholds. The mind doesn’t like that.
It’s all about fluidity, and letting go and surrendering and letting go and surrendering into the complete unknown. Then resistance forms and a contracting results, then that hurts. Then it is turned towards and felt into, and once accepted and allowed, it dissolves again.
Awoke early by some random sales text. Unable to see clearly the sequence of events for today, I started feeling anxious with the uncertainty. I lost my nerve, the trusting.
I felt anxious about it yesterday too but held the faith, relaxed and decided to let it all unfold as it will. Today it’s thoughts about how to fit it all in, therapy client at 9.30am, car to garage, meeting with client at 11am and also maybe hire a car, drive to Edinburgh, how to get home, maybe arrange lift with N. Do I need to go to Edinburgh, do I need a hired car? No.
Time to drop into the actual feelings in the body which are helping to generate the thoughts. So I notice a knot of fiery pain in my solar plexus area and it’s hard to be with it. It burns and sears and isn’t comfortable at all. I see why we are all reluctant to turn towards and feel such sensations. It’s uncomfortably painful. I stay though for a while. I can even send some compassion for our collective predicament.
I went to a garage to look at buying another car yesterday. Eye watering rip off sums of money, a bullshitting salesman, just doing his grab money from people job though. Saying all the things he thinks I want to hear. Slightly tempted, not really though. Cars are all highly overpriced. Not doing that. Stick with the old car for now. About to spend £1500 on it today. Salesman bullshitter told me I’d be mad to fix it. Think that means I should fix it. I don’t want a big financial commitment just now.
I can get into a such an anxious pickle when there’s too many earthly task variables to organise. These are the times I imagine I need some help, and imagine a partner in life would work well, discussing these decisions.
Yesterday was day 3 of serious wandering around in nature without aim or goal. Long weekend. Ended up at the cafe having salad. N arrived and we hung out chatting for an hour. Later in the evening was a 2 hour chat from the old friend L who called. Kind of nice, bit not really….but yeah, she’s been through so much and I was happy to be with her. Husband of 40 years hung himself a year ago.
Lot of people unravelling around the place. If they haven’t got on top of their blockages/conditioning/mental health issues, those blind spots will undo them more easily now with this instability and flux in the world. People are being triggered. It’s a good time to face ourselves head on, find the stability and peace inside that is always there and cannot be disturbed, however deep down it is. What can be destroyed will be destroyed, that kind of a time.
The day is just going to do it’s thing and I will go along with it. Probably drop car at 12 at garage, walk or taxi down to meet E if he’s about. Leave Edinburgh till I get the car back.