The day’s variables were too complex and uncertain for my mind to try to work out so I just let go of trying and relieved myself of the stress. Dropped like a hot potato. So the day unfolded as it wants to, I cooperated, and that was perfect. And everything got done. Do this, okay, do that, okay, said the inner promptings….
Picked E up at 10 and off to Busby Woods we went, walking slowly, over tree trunks, scrambling down steep stream banks, pausing in silence over panoramic views, breathing, feeling into it all, the barely touched by humans wildness, the quiet. Staring at water flows, marvelling at the thick moss, being blessed by wildflowers.
Some deep chat about the death of the me me me. And how devastating that can still be to the personality that thought it was the one that was going to get wise and enlightened, not actually having to watch it’s own dissolution. No definitely not that! And so it is transpiring. A death. I can have fun and be light about it, but at times, like right now, it feels like devastation, a bomb. I’m grateful there’s access to devotion to carry me through.
I notice part of me is drawn to the familiar amid the devastation being experienced. I stare at the very same rocks at the foot of the waterfall in a park I stared at as a child. I stare at the very same stepping stones across the rapids we traversed as teenagers. I go to familiar natural places that feel like home. And at home there’s some cosy comforting gestures, a wool blanket over the feet on the sofa and cups of tea. Today cosy and comfy on the outside is helping me being with the internal suffering and lean into it. Quite intense. Hard to describe, bit like a searing empty feeling inside. I breathe. It’s all good, I’m here for the whole show.
Then we went to a national trust country house and through the little woods around the high stone walls of the formal garden. And then to another park nearby for lunch and tea on a bench overlooking the big pond. I left him there to meet M and S on the new project round the corner for a talk over it with the plans. Then back to the park and another walk to show E another little spot of paradise beside the stream.
I’m struggling to maintain most friendships right now. Maybe it’s temporary. All lovely and wonderful people, but I’m running out of chat, and notice myself not being authentic quite often. Having to try and meet them on their map of the world. People pleasing makes for easy dishonesty and being good at faking. Till it doesn’t feel right any more or is just too exhausting.
With E yesterday I was able to talk about this path of surrendering into love, of the agony and ecstasy experience of the dissolving of the identity. That’s really the only person who gets this. Maybe R can go there as she is religious. Same Christian language and the meanings do meet.
And yet there is the human wish for company, that side would have anybody almost rather than nobody. This is being faced right now. That solitude embracing is a requirement it seems. And new friends appear. E is relatively recent, R only a year or so, and now my client F and her friend. We are meeting for our book club tonight…so a slow evolution happening.
Listening to Jigme Lingpa Dzogchen The Lions Roar here at the kitchen table. Dog has been walked and watered. Let’s see what this day wants to do. Have the dog groomer at 2, therapy client at 5, and the book club tonight. A park walk too in there. Plus work – lots to arrange for this new project.