Into the Wilds

I decide to get out of the city and to go exploring, find some wild non human places. So 3 little woodland walks…..a ‘fairy’ Glen, a walk round an old swan pond by a castle and a drive high up over moorland for a long pause beside a quite remote stream building a damn from loose stones. Had fun interacting with the water, I always enjoyed that as a kid. The sounds and feel and seeing the water rise up and overflow. Watching what water does on meeting a blockage and the lesson for the human experience. Secrets metaphors of nature mirroring our own existence.

I was and still am feeling some sort of crash of energy and mood that is hard to define. Not anxious….maybe some kind of sad. Even bereft. The word naked comes to mind, out of sorts anyway. I know these cycles happen and I accept it all whatever is going on. A rainy day is just that, and outside it is actually another rainy day today as it was yesterday. I remember to breathe deeply from my abdomen. And again. A time for those heart warming self kindness actions. And check there are no resistances creeping in. I can chum myself through.

I love you

I appreciate you

I like you

I value you

I’m here for you

You are held

You are safe

You are loved

You are accepted

You are supported

I appreciate you

I am safe

I accept myself

I trust myself

Could be the come down after all the physiological tension of the last month, more than that, 2 or three months. The pressure I felt was so high. I just noticed from these posts, that one month ago I sent the price for the project I thought we were going ahead with, and was in a heightened anxious state about sending the price.They said no, then a yes, then a no again. Unhappy and scared to happy and relieved to devastated again. What a emotional rollercoaster that was. Well, that I took myself on more precisely.

Then I had to quickly design, present to the client and price this one we are about to start. I have to congratulate myself I just realised. Managing to do that was pretty I don’t know what but well done! To acknowledge the ability to take us from having no work to a £140k project ready to start. Team effort with the help of R and V who drew up my design so quickly and beautifully. I gave them both a decent bonus for that.

I’m having time out from that department in life just now. Aware I have hmrc bills overdue and one vat bill due and need to sort out the final costing and payment schedule too and well, it’s Sunday so tomorrow.

I’m in some sort of void here, a nothingness that is excruciatingly nothing, not even that painful. Nothing to cling to. Emptiness. Anticlimax which has had a bit of impact. Ego feels deprived. Hello ego, you’ll be fine, just relaxed and be absorbed, resistance is futile.

Lol. It doesn’t like that much. The expectation of happy from going through that tight passage didn’t arrive, get over it. It’s all good.

There’s little contact with friends the last week, like nearly none. It’s not been working, though I half heartedly tried a bit. Tried to connect up with beloved pal N, not working at all. And he’s started drinking again I hear, and has dropped off with contact. Maybe that choice changes things. I have no idea if karma even exists. Can’t even put my finger on it, but life seems to keep me away, or foils attempts to connect.

One call with an old pal yesterday, I didn’t enjoy much. Always end up stressed as she only calls when driving and reception is bad. I’m going to put a stop on that soon. Maybe I just have. Also I don’t like what I hear coming out my mouth to this very old friend. It’s so scripted. Conversation with rails around it, of expectation, old habits, mine and hers. Avoiding what I know will make them feel uncomfortable adjusting what I say to her interest level, which isn’t mine. Same with P too. Not working. Just now anyway. We are all going through big changes…let’s see where we land, what we choose to do with the crisis of expansion.

I watch nutritious material and carry on…Angelo DiLullo interviewing Alma….and know this too will change at some point.

Got a therapy client this morning, then a new one after that.

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