Well the client said yes and the project is going ahead. So 4 months of work for the team and income now lined up starting next week. I watched my responses to it all beforehand during and after. There was very little fear right before it, some strong anticipation energetically….no relief high during it, which often makes me a bit over generous during negotiations….and no big celebration after it. I just felt calm and sober.

That’s a bit of an anticlimactic response for the personality after all that fearful buildup. Because I already accepted whatever the outcome, and there was little fear to be relieved about. But the personality still felt cheated out of a celebration and just got the same deep peace as a consolation prize. A booby prize to this personality which likes its drama.

What, no celebration! Nope, not even much inside….Just a ‘good, that’s very agreeable’, thought. I texted M to let him know what he’s doing next week. No celebration from him either…same as a friend who called. They are all just used to observing me going through this rollercoaster…and now here I am too not investing so fully in it.

I noticed afterwards I really wanted some sense of celebration. Perhaps just get a victorious ice cream? Liked the idea but no parking at the ice cream shop so drove on.

That wanting of a celebration lingered on…I thought about going to the pub on my own and having dinner and a glass of wine maybe….walked round and it was full of people….I even got in the car in the early evening to go and get some nice Indian takeaway food, but nope, didn’t feel to do that either and ended up at Lidl buying strawberries and bananas for dinner and dog treats.

Come on, I’d paid the price with all that anxiety and fear, and now I was looking for the soaring emotional reward! But nope. Here I am as I was.

So that’s all interesting to notice. The sameness of everything. The wanting coming in. Not the same lows, and not the same highs either. Is a bit of a low not feeling a high!

And life played brinkmanship with me again and this time I rose to the challenge, or is that relaxed deeply with the challenge in full trust that the outcome would be exactly what is needed.

Right after the meeting I went straight to some large old familiar woods and bathed in flowers, the trees, the river. Lingered around looking, feeling, being, breathing….little fear present, just a deep connection to this wild indifferent to me place. That was the celebration ceremony right there. What a marvellous spider below this flower.

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