Awoke happy and deeply relaxed this morning, stretched out savouring the experience….no thoughts at all, just an awareness of the body and gratitude for the warmth and comfort of the cosy covers. Enjoyable dreams. Thank you bed, thank you sleep and thank you body.
That previously would not be possible while I’m waiting to find out the outcome of a meeting that will determine what we do next week. So interesting to see. I’m not even subconsciously disturbed by the possibility that we have no work if we don’t get the go ahead. The Force could decide to turn that volume up and she may tell me a ‘no’ at the meeting. An equal and different shock will be that we go ahead and I get an experience and welcoming of abundance.
Noise volume turned up today, 2 chainsaws cutting trees right outside. Tests incoming. Testing from every angle. I see the corresponding expansion when they are met courageously.
I added a new category here today ‘receiving’. 2 small experiences yesterday made me aware of that side of the equation. The receiving side of giving. Part of abundance. I got Abundance in the iChing.
Last couple of days have been kind of clunky. This process feels a bit like a death and I notice an unexpected mourning for something…is it the reward system I’m used to I wonder? Perhaps.
Not that I’m cured of the lust for dopamine hits, I do keep trying the old stimuli out again and again in vain….and get disappointed over and over as they don’t work now.
I’m getting used to this and can see the efforts to grab at things that used to work tail off. Hardly ever does food bring any pleasure, no alcohol, music, films…just not satisfying. Sugar addiction still going strong though. Bought a couple of ready mixed mojitos the other day and poured them out after a sip. Rejected by the body. Ate 3 weetabix, some olives, 2 yogurts, half a cheese toastie, several wine gums a toffee Bon Bon yesterday. What happens when you stop wanting things?
Cups of tea still work though, though over a year ago I dropped the sugar or honey in them without knowing why. Repeating pleasurable things isn’t working.
Being present and open to the unexpected does seem to be the way that is beckoning. Don’t seek. ‘Don’t ask for that which is not freely given’ is a phrase that sticks in my mind. And then when I’m open up like that to the unexpected, beauty comes. A Herb Robert and a Forget-me-not growing through the paving strikes me energetically and I stand in awe. A little love exchange with the dog is more precious than gold. That kind of thing.
There’s some level of release from the want to have things in a certain way to feel happy. At least this seems to be the training I’m undergoing just now. And even a certain indifference towards feeling happy. It is what it is. I am more in a cooperative mood towards how it all lands, and astonished at how perfect each lesson is for the different stages of development.
And so I sometimes surrender and other times drag myself into this present moment. That’s the work just now. Being in the present moment. And it changes everything. In the shower I’m chit chatting away in my head, then come back to the now, and I look at my foot soles as I’m washing, I say hello and thank you. I look at the window through the stream, the water sounds are beautiful and soothing. I breathe. Back here and now. Where it’s so very intense and also smooth, and intimate. Openness.
I got annoyed at the noise upstairs a couple of times yesterday, just moved into another room. The clomping, bangs and rolling wheels are easier for some reason, the high pitched squeaking when they are standing right above me is another level of pain especially if I’m trying to concentrate. Will inevitably face that again too.
Yesterday there was tiredness and emptiness. Feeling pretty alone in this current phase. It’s not really something to share with anyone. This mood of hanging in suspension could just be having to wait for an answer about the work going ahead, the meeting is today. I kept dropping into my feelings to see what’s there and if anything wanted attention and kept noticing nothing there. I did feel a sadness, though not felt in the body. That has been weird. Normally at least there’s some small anxiety to work with and befriend. I looked inside and just nothing. There is aversion to cold, I notice that.
Yesterday I see a therapy client, we dig a bit deeper, he lets me in more. Next a countryside drive to the nursery, chose the rest of the plants for the client and got a few clematis for myself. Took them to the allotment and planted them. All 3 of my huge ones died this winter. Other plants have died too, even ones newly out of the ground, this cold bit has made some dead. Oh yes, death is a bit of a theme I suppose!
Nothing seems to satisfy like before. Buying and planting new plants used to give a dopamine boost, it didn’t. Finding out someone I know is a lifelong Buddhist would have done it before, not now. What did make an impression though was the small acts of kindness I received. Anne and his pal helped me carry the plants from the car, and a guy shut the gate for me. J suggested I drive his car and we go up to Ardfern this holiday weekend. I’m not really in that headspace and have 5 therapy clients too between now and Monday.
Busy dying here! Death of something familiar. Something else coming to life in its place. Nothing that anyone would understand or value. Cupping the blossom in my hands, in reverence and awe…it’s an unexpectedly perfect fit.
What really worked yesterday was some rock music in the car which I hadn’t listened to for ages. There was Jah Wobble’s ‘Becoming more Like God’ and ‘I Love Everybody’. That last one has been an orientation guide for probably 20 years. And there was a prog rock track I loved called ‘Love’ by Colourhaze.
Saw a therapy client in the late afternoon. Older lady wanting support and chumming along through a bereavement. Then had another walk round the block to cheer up the dog. I’ve been a little too tired for long park walks the last couple of days. I was asleep well before 9pm and awake at 4am this morning. Listening and reading wise stuff and having tea in bed.
There’s a shock to all of this, finding an odd peace amid the uncertainty. A shock to finding myself cooperating with it and not resisting. Perhaps it’s the ego which feels disheartened and senses the loss.
“All of nature is participation and the sharing of each unique offering.” IChing