I had a realisation as I was driving. Funny how this just arrived on my lap as I was in a receptive state and practising getting in touch with my feelings……It has been so hidden I didn’t see it before, ever wondering what the mystery is behind my relationship with wealth and money. This is unprocessed as yet, and I’m not sure yet how fully hitting the truth it is. Maybe there’s more.

I realised that part of me has been motivated by a determination to demonstrate that money does not come before beauty. A sort of stubborn perfectionism.

And that I’m so personally above money that I can be very casual about it, nonchalant even. I do the best design possible (within reason) that the place wants to make it beautiful. It’s often more than or right on the budget. If the clients are willing to pay extra for it then great, if not that’s something I’ll take on the chin. Not that I make a loss often, I usually make sure cover the costs, just. I don’t often make a profit, just enough to keep things going, just.

This part is a bit of a show off. To myself and anyone witnessing that I’m above all that concern about and grabbing for money that other people are all busy with. That I’m superior, don’t have to think about such mundane things. It’s with most people, not just the clients. I’m the first to pay for things and so often do more than others. There’s maybe a control element, or at least a discomfort with receiving.

There have been many times I’ve not charged fully or at all for some extras that people want. As if I want to prove something, that I’m superior, even though they are much wealthier than me. Or wealthy enough for it not to be about making money. That’s beneath me. Undignified and also unspiritual. Perhaps that part feels inferior to wealthy people and wants to find some way of making itself above them.

I subtle ego manoeuvre that everyone else can grab as much as they can get from each other but I’ll wait for ‘that which is freely given’. And I can rest assured that I am true to the pledge I made when a teenager to choose spirituality rather than mammon. That’s the reason I’ve been hiding behind for the lack of business success. There’s more but that’s enough for now.

I was quite taken aback when those realisations arose.

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