Contraction and Surrender

Tightness in the chest. Anxiety. I see you, I accept you, I allow you, hello. I breathe. Here I am, there’s the occasional sounds of cars, the heating boiler whirring away softly. Sun shining on trees out the window.

Fear arises from thoughts of the future, and I say hello again, I’m fine with you being here. Tightness in the throat. All is well in this moment as it always is when I allow myself to properly land fully here. There’s a comfy seat, warmth from a fire, quietness and peace all around.

I must have dissociated from the present and checked out yesterday afternoon. There were problems to sort out and this day ahead is full with important events. The mind got distracted when I awoke and off it went with me in tow. And in a sneaky kind of way I notice, it ran its script slightly behind the scenes, behind my conscious awareness. As I’m reading things like Lao Tzu, it’s whispering concern to me. Nip nip nipping away. I guess I was using or trying to use an antidote of reading wise words.

Okay let’s just go there for a bit, let it roll into the future of today.

There’s a shower waiting for me, a little walk with the dog, 2 therapy clients to see this morning. Drawings to receive from the cad technician and to look over in preparation for a consequential meeting at the new client’s house in the afternoon. Amendments perhaps to be done before that. Job has to be priced. It’s a big one. This job will keep the men in work and money flowing in for 4 months. Ideal.

There was quite a bit of stress yesterday. The existing client wants 30 plants removed from the soil, repotted and returned to the nursery. The nursery had replaced the colour with pink and she wants white. I didn’t even notice. I tend to just go with accidents, they usually turn out to be happy accidents. Ultimately my responsibility as I didn’t even notice they had replaced them with pink. The guys have been instructed.

Then one of the employees tells me he is taking 3 days off for looking after his unwell girlfriend, and wants them as paid holidays. He has already borrowed holidays from the future that he hasn’t accrued and I say no. He can have unpaid leave. He is unhappy about that. I don’t enjoy taking action that makes others unhappy. I had a little conflict about that inside. Part of me just wants to say yes to whatever people want. I don’t know what that part is, is it the People Pleaser or is it the Buddha part?! I listen to the Force, and the guidance says no. Boundaries are required at times.

Was a bit out of presence after both of those events. Why? I was trying to find the right thing to do in both situations, aside from my personal preferences. There was self doubt with the employee. There was initial resistance to replacing the plants, it’s more work and more expense. I was essentially at peace with the outcome though. This business has taught me to get there pretty fast.

I had 2 marvellous meetings with therapy clients yesterday in the morning. One ‘walk and talk’ client in the park was a big thank you, it has all come together for her, realisations in abundance, loving herself, connecting with her feelings honestly, and now has her dream job too. A celebration of her emancipation into her own power. The first we get into our relationship with wealth and how our beliefs and conditioning effects that.

The intimacy of being present has brought old conditioning responses into sharper relief. The suffering of leaving the present is more acute. I watch as the habitual part of the organism tries to veer away sharply from being in the present moment but it feels terrible, it hurts. Like a part is trying to split off from a part that I can’t split from. Presence feels so much better, more complete and whole.

The mind thinks I have more important things to do. Here I am at the front face again, absorbing the lessons. Mind goes to the son, to the visit from the friend, to this that and the next thing.

So I breathe, and symbolically stand in the shower still, soften the gaze and look at the window plant as water is pouring on me. I turn my palms upwards in receptivity and surrender. Whether I’m feeling it or not that’s the intention, surrender and just be with everything exactly as it is. Tightness and surrender, they are so close by. In an instant I can teleport from one to the other. The temptation to fear is helping me develop the agency to surrender. Thank you.

And while I’m here, thank you for this safe comfy warm space I live in.

Thank you for the lovely and loving dog Elsa, my goodness what an amazing friend.

Thank you that I have enough food to eat, and money to pay for heating and for the flat.

Thank you for my car.

Thank you for my excellent health

Thank you to myself for having the courage and devotion to travel this path of becoming conscious

Thank you to the adversity that has helped to increase that courage

Thank you for the therapy clients and the opportunity to make a difference. Thanks for the business that keeps on going and thanks to the suppliers for their patience and good service. Thanks to the window cleaner outside right now making my view clearer. Thanks to my mum for her supportive kind presence in my life. To my friends for giving life extra flavours.